still standing here

My grandfather passed away on Sunday morning. The funeral was earlier today, in the afternoon. It was hard but we all said our goodbyes. I spent the entire day serving people yesterday and not looking into the coffin where my grandfather laid. I wasnt ready. I didnt wanna break down like I did before. Trust me, you dont want that happening. It will give you the shock of your life.

I went and looked at him right before we went home lastnight and also today to say goodbye, right before they closed the coffin. No emotional breakdown.

As said, I'll cry everything off and move on. The bad things that have happened or are happening or will happen, cannot force my hand to raise a white flag. God has my back.

I missed the bus ride to Batang Ai, which was this morning. Mum already informed Sarah (our youth leader). Mum said that dad would send us there tomorrow morning. It takes three hours, so I guess I'll meet all of you (who are probably wrapped up in your sleeping bags by now) at lunch time. Cant wait!

I shall go and pack now. As for you stalkers who come by to read this blog of mine, I'll smell you later. By later, I mean Friday ;)

"I figure, if you're extremely passionate about making music (or painting, or surfing, or acting..) then it's because you should be. There is so much real and lasting happiness locked up inside the passion for doing what you love, and even though we live in a society that cares more for the effectiveness of an individual than his/her happiness, I still hope and pray that I stay passionate enough to keep pursuing something worth more than just being "effective". This answer has already become way too deep and hippie, but the truth is that my "musical talent" wouldn't make any sense to me if it didn't result in creative expression that is liberating, and something that is worth more than financial profit; any passionate musician knows this."

Do you believe in hard work or pure talent? Both! I believe that talent is a great way to start the journey, but that hard work is the only way to finish it.

- Cobus Potgieter

they just keep on coming

My grandfather on my dad's side was in a coma last Saturday. Mum and I rushed to the hospital. Thankfully, he was awake when we arrived. I sat next to his hospital bed, shut my eyes and whispered prayers. The same prayers I whispered when I was admitted in the hospital two years ago. They got me out of the hard times. I was hoping they would work the same way on him.

He was fine for a moment, but got back into being really ill. He's still in the hospital right now. Mum and dad went there again earlier today. A few days ago mum told me that he might not be around for long. I've accepted that.

Well, it has been really tough, everything that has happened lately but I'm not going to let anything bring me down. I cried them off. There's no need for depression or sad faces. Just prayers.

I really can't wait for the next youth gathering. I cant wait to hug Theresa. Burst of love, 3sa! And I cant wait to be surrounded by a hall full of people with so much love and faith in them. So much shouting, too :) I'm really happy there.

And I want to stay happy.

Goodbye, Sammy

Sammy passed away today.

He was really weak lastnight. He didnt want to eat. He just laid there. When I held him, he would wag his tail but you would know something was wrong because his tail was down. Vodka was fine, she still had the energy to run around but didn't want to eat either. We thought she must be like that because Sam wasn't well.

Before we left home this afternoon, I went to their cage and checked on Sam. He looked up at me and wagged his tail. He looked better than he did lastnight. I was gaining hope.

It's really funny how good times always end with a bad one. I thought that was over for me. Lately, whenever I have a good day, I'd always end up sleeping with a smile on my face, and thanking God repeatedly before I fall asleep. But things went back to the way it used to today. I had a really good time hanging out with Kenaidy earlier, (though Nelson left and Gurjit never showed up). But when I got home, mom told me Sammy died.

I couldn't believe my ears. I thought she was joking. Then I realized she would never joke about anything like this. It would just be so cruel. I ran to where Sammy's body laid. I touched him and it was as if he was still there. He wasn't cold at all. He just wasnt moving, wasnt breathing, wasnt wagging his tail. I held him for quite a while, still couldnt believe he was gone.

Mom said he could've been poisoned. Before he passed, there was blood coming out of his anus. Mom saw him die just a few seconds before we arrived. She said he was wailing and when his wailing stopped, he was gone. It must be a really painful sight. We buried Sam soon after.

We're really worried about Vodka now. She might have been poisoned too. She goes wherever Sammy goes. Eats whatever Sammy eats. And she's getting weaker and weaker. She laid in the front porch and her breathing grew heavy. Just as Sammy did.

I'm not mad at God. I'm just mad at the heartless person who poisoned them. I cant forgive you. I know I should, but I cant bring myself to do so. This is too painful.

Sometimes God takes away the things we love so our hands would be free to receive something better. I dont know what could be better than Sammy or what could replace him. But I'm keeping my trust in God. He would heal Vodka if that is His will. And if it isn't, I'll understand.

But it doesn't mean I've given up.