today's accomplishments

Today, I got out of bed, took a shower and finally wrote my cover letter and emailed my CV to TWO vet clinics in Selangor. 

I'm proud of myself. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll send out more, but today, I'm happy with what I accomplished. 

Baby steps! 👶

Broken Wooden Stairs

Whenever my anxiety attacks, I get these nightmares. I’ve been having the same nightmares repeatedly, which is why I can’t sleep sometimes. I don’t sleep until it’s 6:30 a.m. and I’m exhausted.

In these nightmares, I’m in an old building. It’s a school building. The school changes every time but it’s always an old school building. I’m at the top floor. Alone. I can hear everyone downstairs, outside, having fun, I want to join them but I can’t get down. 

Because it’s an old building, the stairs are all wooden, they’re all broken. Every time I put my foot in front, pieces will break off. In some dreams, the stairs don’t end. In some dreams, the stairs stop abruptly and there’s either a railing or a wall in the middle. I’d either have to jump to the next flight of stairs or look around elsewhere. Sometimes, the building shakes when I move. You see, I’m afraid of heights. So, a lot of times, I just curl up and cry until I wake up. I wake up in tears, exhausted from fighting, from feeling stuck.

Last night, I had another episode. Anxiety to me feels like I can’t breathe and I’m stuck and I can’t do anything. I’m afraid of doing anything because I’m afraid of hurting the people around me and I’m afraid of failure. But I forget myself.

I had these plans, where I would start looking for jobs in the middle of August, try to secure interviews by first week of September, and then maybe start work mid-September or early October. Planning helps with my anxiety. If I ever feel lost, at least I have my planner and it tells me what I wanted to do. Of course, I try not to put too much. Just one simple task to accomplish a day. Or a week. Whichever makes me feel comfortable but never over-worked.

I was supposed to send out resumes to vet clinics this week. Yesterday, Monday, I was supposed to write my cover letter. But for the last 2 weeks, every time I talk about finding a job, I get mixed reactions from my family members. My mom, my brother, my grandmother don’t want me to work so soon. They’d say I haven’t been home long enough. They’d say I wouldn’t have this freedom anymore. But truth be told, I spent the last 2 months trying to rest and I haven’t felt rested at all. I feel stuck. I feel suffocated.

I was going back and forth yesterday, wondering if I should send out my resumes this week or just call it off, push it back another week. I was leaning more towards calling it off but I wasn’t happy with that decision. That’s not what I wanted to do but I felt guilty. Then, I got a text from a veterinarian I met a few months ago, asking if I’ve found a job yet. I told him, “No, I’m still looking. Why? Do you know anyone who is hiring?” He said, “Yes, I have a friend in Puchong looking for a junior vet. I think you would be perfect for the job.”

The vet and I exchanged numbers. I was so happy! I thought to myself, is this a sign? I’ve been feeling so unsure about going forward with my life. I really wanted to but I wasn’t sure. If this isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.

When I told my mom, she says, “That’s good news. But it means I won’t have you around for long.”

Guilt clouds all over me again. I can’t breathe. I was feeling a lot of things. Sad. Guilty. Angry. Confused. Stuck. My tears flowed non-stop for over an hour. I couldn’t speak. That’s my anxiety.

Then I spent the entire night talking to my best friend from vet school, Delna. Then I talked to my boyfriend, Yie. They both made me feel better. And then I listened to a podcast by Gina Ryan. She said that the first problem with mental health is addressing it. Whether it's depression or anxiety, address it. Only once you acknowledge it, you can fight it.

Today I woke up from the same nightmare. Except today, I fought harder. I found a flight of concrete stairs and I took it. I ran back and forth looking for concrete stairs until I reached downstairs. I finally got out of the building and I end up in sea water, by the beach. On the beach stood Yie, mouthing the words, “I love you.”

I know now what those nightmares meant. The old school building was my vet school. The broken wooden stairs were the struggles I went through, the trauma of being recalled for oral exams. Me feeling stuck and unable to move is my anxiety.

Now that I’ve addressed it, it’s time to fight it.

If it's too much to read, you can always listen here

Here, Now

I'm (finally) a veterinarian! It was a July 12th 2019 noon. I couldn't sleep all night and woke up crying because I had a nightmare I failed. When the call finally came, I cried like a baby and hugged my mom because this journey has been insane and I nearly lost my mind. You know how they say people only see your achievements, all the good stuff, but they don't see all the suffering and sacrifices you made behind all of it? Here's my EIGHT YEAR long and hard journey.

After high school, I never got any college offers. I got rejected from all the universities I applied to. So I reapplied and while I waited, I went into Form 6 in St Joseph's Secondary School (yes, the all boys school in Kuching). I wasn't happy, I was just settling. A month later, I got an offer for the second intake into Diploma of Animal Health and Production in UPM Bintulu. I dropped everything, grabbed it and held on to it! For 3.5 years I worked insanely hard and got amazing results because I knew I needed them to get into DVM.

But, again, I got rejected because my applications into degree "got lost in the mail". My heart broke. I begged my way through, wrote cover letters to the dean, faxed all my documents in (from Sarawak, mind you) and prayed for the best. Of course, I cried every day for an entire month while I waited.

Then I got in. Second intake into Doctor of Veterinary Medicine in UPM Serdang. On the same day, I also got an offer for DVM in UMK Kelantan. I gave that seat up for someone else. I wanted to do it in my dream vet school, UPM. I thought, "Finally, I could chase my dream!"

I was thrilled and excited but that excitement didn't last long when someone in the higher department told me I should quit DVM because I have scoliosis and that I won't be able to handle it. It broke me. How dare anybody tells me what I can or cannot do? Only I can limit myself. So I said no, I'm staying. But my spirit was never the same. I felt like I wasn't wanted in my own faculty. So I kept a low profile. Slowly, I grew. My results were average but I learned there were so many other things I was good at. Like hands-on skills, restraint, surgery, microscopy, writing, talking to clients, presenting to an audience. Heck, I got nominated as top 5 for an award for best presenter for my final year project!

I worked hard and I exhausted myself countless times. DVM took 5 years. When it came down to my comprehensive exams (CE as we vets call it), the big and final exam, I froze. I'd been struggling with myself mentally and emotionally for over a year (at least that's how long I remember it). I thought it was a natural thing to feel, going into your final year as veterinary student. I was feeling so many things. Self doubt, mostly. I was starting to doubt if this was really meant for me. What if I'm not good enough to be a veterinarian? I've been so sure my entire life and I've been so confident before, but why now, do I feel undeserving? I played the worst possible scenarios in my head. I shrugged it off, but they come back every time.

These feelings got worse as I approached my CE. If I could explain it in a sentence; it was like my mind was haunted. I have voices in my head that say a lot of negative things and I can't stop them. It was like there were multiple me, screaming negative thoughts at each other while the real me is sitting quietly in the corner, drowning. I couldn't tell them to go away. I couldn't sleep until I was truly exhausted. I felt like I was losing my mind. Luckily, I did well in my essay and MCQ papers. But when it came down to my last oral exam, pre-clinical, I froze. I let my nerves and anxiety get to me. Even if I could rewind that day, it would have played the same way because everything was going against me. So I got recalled for 2 oral exams.

The night my friends got their results and celebrated, I was broken down in my bedroom. I wanted to give up. And I didn't mean just give up DVM, I mean give up life. I wanted it all to end. Why do I always have to come second in everything my entire life? I was at the lowest point in my life but I was grateful for Yie, for pulling me out. For Delna, Hwee Yee and Syahmi for staying up to help me study. The next morning, I sucked it up and I did my best. It was still frustrating and I left with mixed feelings. And then all I had to do was wait. 3 weeks. 3 weeks full of anxiety but I kept busy with my sister's wedding receptions.

After all that, when I finally got the call, and I got my results, I cried. People say "tears of joy". But for me, it was relief, like a huge weight is lifted and I never want to feel that way ever again. It was horrible. To have something you want so much be given to you and have it taken away when you're so close and then having to work for it again. People say life's not fair, well, life was a rabid bitch to me. I nearly lost to it. So there you go, that was my 8 year long and hard journey to get to where I am. But I did it. I did it. I damn nearly lost my mind but I did it.

It's been 2 months since that happened. I didn't jump straight into the working life because I thought I needed to rest and heal. I still get nightmares. I still get anxiety. Lesser than usual, but I still do.

I'm still trying to look for help.

Back with purpose

Hey, everyone! I'm back.

I know I've said this so many times. Years have passed since my last post, but I mean it this time. I'm 26 years old now. I'm worn out from chasing my dream of becoming a veterinarian. I was bent and broken, honestly. I want to share my struggles and hopefully, one day, share how I overcome them.

I'm back because I want to help those who are in the same rut as me. I'm going to post some really deep stuff. Painful stuff. Stuff that a lot of us are suppressing. At least for me that is.

But that's not all I'm going to post, of course. I also want to share my experiences as a veterinary student and my current experiences being a new veterinarian.

My old posts (from before this one) were posts I had written while I was still doing my diploma in animal health and production. A lot has happened since then. But I will share all of that soon. Like I said, I'm 26 years old now. A freshly graduated veterinarian.

But it doesn't just end there. So stay tuned! Or not, I won't force you 😜