Here, Now

I'm (finally) a veterinarian! It was a July 12th 2019 noon. I couldn't sleep all night and woke up crying because I had a nightmare I failed. When the call finally came, I cried like a baby and hugged my mom because this journey has been insane and I nearly lost my mind. You know how they say people only see your achievements, all the good stuff, but they don't see all the suffering and sacrifices you made behind all of it? Here's my EIGHT YEAR long and hard journey.

After high school, I never got any college offers. I got rejected from all the universities I applied to. So I reapplied and while I waited, I went into Form 6 in St Joseph's Secondary School (yes, the all boys school in Kuching). I wasn't happy, I was just settling. A month later, I got an offer for the second intake into Diploma of Animal Health and Production in UPM Bintulu. I dropped everything, grabbed it and held on to it! For 3.5 years I worked insanely hard and got amazing results because I knew I needed them to get into DVM.

But, again, I got rejected because my applications into degree "got lost in the mail". My heart broke. I begged my way through, wrote cover letters to the dean, faxed all my documents in (from Sarawak, mind you) and prayed for the best. Of course, I cried every day for an entire month while I waited.

Then I got in. Second intake into Doctor of Veterinary Medicine in UPM Serdang. On the same day, I also got an offer for DVM in UMK Kelantan. I gave that seat up for someone else. I wanted to do it in my dream vet school, UPM. I thought, "Finally, I could chase my dream!"

I was thrilled and excited but that excitement didn't last long when someone in the higher department told me I should quit DVM because I have scoliosis and that I won't be able to handle it. It broke me. How dare anybody tells me what I can or cannot do? Only I can limit myself. So I said no, I'm staying. But my spirit was never the same. I felt like I wasn't wanted in my own faculty. So I kept a low profile. Slowly, I grew. My results were average but I learned there were so many other things I was good at. Like hands-on skills, restraint, surgery, microscopy, writing, talking to clients, presenting to an audience. Heck, I got nominated as top 5 for an award for best presenter for my final year project!

I worked hard and I exhausted myself countless times. DVM took 5 years. When it came down to my comprehensive exams (CE as we vets call it), the big and final exam, I froze. I'd been struggling with myself mentally and emotionally for over a year (at least that's how long I remember it). I thought it was a natural thing to feel, going into your final year as veterinary student. I was feeling so many things. Self doubt, mostly. I was starting to doubt if this was really meant for me. What if I'm not good enough to be a veterinarian? I've been so sure my entire life and I've been so confident before, but why now, do I feel undeserving? I played the worst possible scenarios in my head. I shrugged it off, but they come back every time.

These feelings got worse as I approached my CE. If I could explain it in a sentence; it was like my mind was haunted. I have voices in my head that say a lot of negative things and I can't stop them. It was like there were multiple me, screaming negative thoughts at each other while the real me is sitting quietly in the corner, drowning. I couldn't tell them to go away. I couldn't sleep until I was truly exhausted. I felt like I was losing my mind. Luckily, I did well in my essay and MCQ papers. But when it came down to my last oral exam, pre-clinical, I froze. I let my nerves and anxiety get to me. Even if I could rewind that day, it would have played the same way because everything was going against me. So I got recalled for 2 oral exams.

The night my friends got their results and celebrated, I was broken down in my bedroom. I wanted to give up. And I didn't mean just give up DVM, I mean give up life. I wanted it all to end. Why do I always have to come second in everything my entire life? I was at the lowest point in my life but I was grateful for Yie, for pulling me out. For Delna, Hwee Yee and Syahmi for staying up to help me study. The next morning, I sucked it up and I did my best. It was still frustrating and I left with mixed feelings. And then all I had to do was wait. 3 weeks. 3 weeks full of anxiety but I kept busy with my sister's wedding receptions.

After all that, when I finally got the call, and I got my results, I cried. People say "tears of joy". But for me, it was relief, like a huge weight is lifted and I never want to feel that way ever again. It was horrible. To have something you want so much be given to you and have it taken away when you're so close and then having to work for it again. People say life's not fair, well, life was a rabid bitch to me. I nearly lost to it. So there you go, that was my 8 year long and hard journey to get to where I am. But I did it. I did it. I damn nearly lost my mind but I did it.

It's been 2 months since that happened. I didn't jump straight into the working life because I thought I needed to rest and heal. I still get nightmares. I still get anxiety. Lesser than usual, but I still do.

I'm still trying to look for help.