I'm not as close to God as I used to be. I haven't been for months.
I've been keeping this to myself because I didn't wanna be judged. I wasn't proud of myself. I'm not proud of myself. But when I told Yek this just now, I felt so much better. So I think I should tell everyone else now. Or at least, anyone who cares to read this blog anyway.
I don't really know what happened to me. I guess, in words, "I got tired" was the best way to put it. Worst reason ever, I know, but that's the truth.
Yek said maybe I was stressed out or maybe not a lot of things were happening in my life, or that maybe I didn't have enough trouble that would make me seek God. I don't think it was any of that.
I wasn't that kind of person who only seeks God when she's in trouble. No. I used to talk to God about everything, every time, everywhere, like He was an invisible friend who is constantly by my side. I didn't need reason to talk to Him. I talked to Him practically all the time.
But now I've stopped. This never happened before. And now that it is happening, I don't know what to do. The moment I realized I was falling away, I tried to pray. I really did. But sad thing was, I didn't know what to say. I just lost the ability to say anything to Him. It's like I forgot how. And I got tired of trying.
I really want to go back to God. Go back to being joyful in His arms. I miss that. I know it's going to be tough. But Yek was right, I should keep trying to pray anyway.
I'm so blessed to have Yek. He reminded me that my faith was the most beautiful thing I have and I should never lose it. He was even willing to back away to save it, thinking he was the reason this happened.
I love you, sweetie, but I have to do this myself. I'm going back to God one way or another. And if I'm going to have to cry about it, I will.
I'm going back to you, Father, because You never left me.
You're right here,
You never stepped a single foot away.
You never stopped loving me.
And Your arms are always wide open.
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