a minor one

I took a couple of X-rays last Friday. The doctors didn’t find anything unusual about them. Still can’t figure out if there’s anything wrong with me, but they had a discussion and decided to put me through bilateral facet injections next month. They call it a “minor operation” where they would inject Triamcinolone into my spine but there’s no cutting-me-up, so I think it’s okay.

My doctor believes that the sharp, electric pain I’ve been getting going down my thighs were probably caused by nerves near the titanium in my spine. These injections would, first, confirm if the pain is really caused by the spine or/and second, relieve the pain.

Everyone's a little scared and sad about this. Knowing how powerful my God is, I can't be consumed by fear. He is on my side and I trust Him. I've already surrendered. I'm giving this all up to Him and I don't want to worry about it at all.

Despite the things I've been put through and still am going through, I'm aware of how blessed I am. I know there are a billion of kids out there that are going through worse. So I choose not to be brought down by my "mishaps" but to grow stronger each time. I was built to endure and I will go through this, just as He had planned. There's nothing better than His plans!

tomorrow's Friday

and I'll be at the hospital in the afternoon to get a full body scan, X-ray, MRI etc. to help the doctors figure out what's going on with me. I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know what to expect. To be blatantly honest, I'm really scared now.

I'm usually a calm and collected person when it comes to things, but this is different. This is my spine, my health. It's the thing that changed me and it's the one thing that can actually scare me.

Only God knows what's going to happen. I do trust Him. I really pray and hope that this is not a serious case. I can't imagine going through another surgery again. I can't even imagine having to watch my mum cry over me again. It's a painful blow when you're the reason for your mother's tears.

So, Father, please please please place Your healing hands on me. Please heal me. I believe in You, in Your power to heal. I believe in miracles because that's what You've been showing me all along. I place my hopes in You.

I know I don't deserve You, Jesus. I'm a sinner and I've hurt You so many times. Still, You chose me, You loved me before I even had my heart set on You. For this I'm certain that You are with me through this, and through everything.

You are all around me on every side;
you protect me with your power.
Your knowledge of me is too deep;
it is beyond my understanding.
Where could I go to escape from you?
Where could I get away from your presence?
If I went up to heaven, you would be there;
if I lay down in the world of the dead, you would be there.
If I flew away beyond the east
or lived in the farthest place in the west,
you would be there to lead me,
you would be there to help me.

Psalm 139:5-10

the truth

Click on the picture so you can read everything that was written. I promise you, you won't regret it. You're doing your own heart a favor.

it's not common

I went for a spine check last Friday but Dr. Zaki was a little busy, so they sent me to this female doctor. I've never met her before. I didn't get an X-ray this time because it was only a month since I last took one. The female doctor asked me if I was having any problem.

I told her about my back pains and how physiotherapy helped a lot. However, I still get those sharp pains going down my thighs and how nothing's changed there. She asked me a lot of questions and I had to wreck my brain trying to remember when this or that started. I can't be specific and my answers may change but that is due to my memory, not me lying. I'm not a good liar so I don't practice it.

I hate it when the doctors keep changing and I have to constantly tell the same, long story each time in order for them to understand what's going on with me. You wouldd think I would get used to this but meeting a new doctor every six months and trying to get your story straight isn't easy.

Anyway, the female doctor was weirded out about the sharp pains. She got worried and asked if I could wait another half an hour as she talks to the specialist about it. So, I waited. When they called me back in, there was this other doctor whom I've met about a month ago. He remembered me, so that was nice. I didn't have to explain so much. He already knew about the sharp pains.

After a few more Q&A, a body check and a small argument between him and the female doctor, he finally came to this; the pain could be caused by the constant movements between the vertebrae that are right above and below the fusion in my spine.

what my spine looks like inside of me

Now, I have another appointment this Friday and they're planning to have a full scan of my body. An X-ray, an MRI and stuff to figure out what's really going on. "We'll take it one at a time," said the doctor.

I'm looking forward to that. I know it sounds scary to everyone, but for some reason I'm not scared at all. I just really want to know. Whatever needs to happen, let it happen. I know God has my back, literally! :)

anyone can see the signs

I'm tired of sitting in front of the computer, of sitting in front of the tv, of sleeping and of checking the mailbox every morning. It's been four months and I really miss studying. I'm not joking.

I'm a geek. I love studying, I love being productive. I love it. I love it. I love it. Right now, I REALLY miss it. I can't wait to go to college. I'm actually jealous of people who are wrecking their brains studying for exams. Yes, I'm envious. I want to do that. I miss it so much.

I don't know what I'm asking for. I just know that I really want to stop feeling unproductive and useless. I'm back to square one, again. Maybe I should read my brother's reference books and study the whole Form 5 syllabus again just for kicks.

I'm thinking...Physics. Oh, simple but real fun! Or maybe, Chemistry? Oooh, Addmath! I know there are some unsolved questions somewhere. Hehehe :D

I'm going on a nerdy adventure!

you are not what you do

So often in life we are judged by the things we do and the things we have achieved. Who you are is most likely what you do and "success" in life depends on your career, your skills, your education and the like. All of this is absurd.

We are made for more than just that. God created each and every one of us with a purpose. There are things in life greater than the things we worry about each day. Greater than our achievements and greater than our "future".

Now, I'm not stating it's wrong to care for these things. However, it is very disappointing to find so many people being brought down because they fail to achieve the things they believe could make them "successful". It's devastating to find even strong Christians doing so.

Haven't we been taught enough that God has it all covered? He knows our heart's desire, our everything. He has it all in account. He listens to every sigh we heavily let go. We don't have to say a single word and He knows.

I believe we should all live for Christ and Christ alone. Is the world more important than the Creator that we should live to please them? No. So it should not matter what others believe you can or cannot do. It should never matter what the world perceives of you. They are just like us; mere mortals. But our God is greater. His love is never ending and His only son paid for our sins.

Our savior died on the cross to set us free. Jesus, the One who is sinless, wears the scars of our freedom. He died a death that you wouldn't even wish upon your own enemy. All this in the name of love for us so we could enter the gates of heaven.

I don't want His death on the cross to be worthless. I want to live a life that's worth dying for. Don't you?

when mum tells me

to take out the trash right after I've washed my hands...