today's accomplishments

Today, I got out of bed, took a shower and finally wrote my cover letter and emailed my CV to TWO vet clinics in Selangor. 

I'm proud of myself. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll send out more, but today, I'm happy with what I accomplished. 

Baby steps! 👶

Broken Wooden Stairs

Whenever my anxiety attacks, I get these nightmares. I’ve been having the same nightmares repeatedly, which is why I can’t sleep sometimes. I don’t sleep until it’s 6:30 a.m. and I’m exhausted.

In these nightmares, I’m in an old building. It’s a school building. The school changes every time but it’s always an old school building. I’m at the top floor. Alone. I can hear everyone downstairs, outside, having fun, I want to join them but I can’t get down. 

Because it’s an old building, the stairs are all wooden, they’re all broken. Every time I put my foot in front, pieces will break off. In some dreams, the stairs don’t end. In some dreams, the stairs stop abruptly and there’s either a railing or a wall in the middle. I’d either have to jump to the next flight of stairs or look around elsewhere. Sometimes, the building shakes when I move. You see, I’m afraid of heights. So, a lot of times, I just curl up and cry until I wake up. I wake up in tears, exhausted from fighting, from feeling stuck.

Last night, I had another episode. Anxiety to me feels like I can’t breathe and I’m stuck and I can’t do anything. I’m afraid of doing anything because I’m afraid of hurting the people around me and I’m afraid of failure. But I forget myself.

I had these plans, where I would start looking for jobs in the middle of August, try to secure interviews by first week of September, and then maybe start work mid-September or early October. Planning helps with my anxiety. If I ever feel lost, at least I have my planner and it tells me what I wanted to do. Of course, I try not to put too much. Just one simple task to accomplish a day. Or a week. Whichever makes me feel comfortable but never over-worked.

I was supposed to send out resumes to vet clinics this week. Yesterday, Monday, I was supposed to write my cover letter. But for the last 2 weeks, every time I talk about finding a job, I get mixed reactions from my family members. My mom, my brother, my grandmother don’t want me to work so soon. They’d say I haven’t been home long enough. They’d say I wouldn’t have this freedom anymore. But truth be told, I spent the last 2 months trying to rest and I haven’t felt rested at all. I feel stuck. I feel suffocated.

I was going back and forth yesterday, wondering if I should send out my resumes this week or just call it off, push it back another week. I was leaning more towards calling it off but I wasn’t happy with that decision. That’s not what I wanted to do but I felt guilty. Then, I got a text from a veterinarian I met a few months ago, asking if I’ve found a job yet. I told him, “No, I’m still looking. Why? Do you know anyone who is hiring?” He said, “Yes, I have a friend in Puchong looking for a junior vet. I think you would be perfect for the job.”

The vet and I exchanged numbers. I was so happy! I thought to myself, is this a sign? I’ve been feeling so unsure about going forward with my life. I really wanted to but I wasn’t sure. If this isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.

When I told my mom, she says, “That’s good news. But it means I won’t have you around for long.”

Guilt clouds all over me again. I can’t breathe. I was feeling a lot of things. Sad. Guilty. Angry. Confused. Stuck. My tears flowed non-stop for over an hour. I couldn’t speak. That’s my anxiety.

Then I spent the entire night talking to my best friend from vet school, Delna. Then I talked to my boyfriend, Yie. They both made me feel better. And then I listened to a podcast by Gina Ryan. She said that the first problem with mental health is addressing it. Whether it's depression or anxiety, address it. Only once you acknowledge it, you can fight it.

Today I woke up from the same nightmare. Except today, I fought harder. I found a flight of concrete stairs and I took it. I ran back and forth looking for concrete stairs until I reached downstairs. I finally got out of the building and I end up in sea water, by the beach. On the beach stood Yie, mouthing the words, “I love you.”

I know now what those nightmares meant. The old school building was my vet school. The broken wooden stairs were the struggles I went through, the trauma of being recalled for oral exams. Me feeling stuck and unable to move is my anxiety.

Now that I’ve addressed it, it’s time to fight it.

If it's too much to read, you can always listen here

Here, Now

I'm (finally) a veterinarian! It was a July 12th 2019 noon. I couldn't sleep all night and woke up crying because I had a nightmare I failed. When the call finally came, I cried like a baby and hugged my mom because this journey has been insane and I nearly lost my mind. You know how they say people only see your achievements, all the good stuff, but they don't see all the suffering and sacrifices you made behind all of it? Here's my EIGHT YEAR long and hard journey.

After high school, I never got any college offers. I got rejected from all the universities I applied to. So I reapplied and while I waited, I went into Form 6 in St Joseph's Secondary School (yes, the all boys school in Kuching). I wasn't happy, I was just settling. A month later, I got an offer for the second intake into Diploma of Animal Health and Production in UPM Bintulu. I dropped everything, grabbed it and held on to it! For 3.5 years I worked insanely hard and got amazing results because I knew I needed them to get into DVM.

But, again, I got rejected because my applications into degree "got lost in the mail". My heart broke. I begged my way through, wrote cover letters to the dean, faxed all my documents in (from Sarawak, mind you) and prayed for the best. Of course, I cried every day for an entire month while I waited.

Then I got in. Second intake into Doctor of Veterinary Medicine in UPM Serdang. On the same day, I also got an offer for DVM in UMK Kelantan. I gave that seat up for someone else. I wanted to do it in my dream vet school, UPM. I thought, "Finally, I could chase my dream!"

I was thrilled and excited but that excitement didn't last long when someone in the higher department told me I should quit DVM because I have scoliosis and that I won't be able to handle it. It broke me. How dare anybody tells me what I can or cannot do? Only I can limit myself. So I said no, I'm staying. But my spirit was never the same. I felt like I wasn't wanted in my own faculty. So I kept a low profile. Slowly, I grew. My results were average but I learned there were so many other things I was good at. Like hands-on skills, restraint, surgery, microscopy, writing, talking to clients, presenting to an audience. Heck, I got nominated as top 5 for an award for best presenter for my final year project!

I worked hard and I exhausted myself countless times. DVM took 5 years. When it came down to my comprehensive exams (CE as we vets call it), the big and final exam, I froze. I'd been struggling with myself mentally and emotionally for over a year (at least that's how long I remember it). I thought it was a natural thing to feel, going into your final year as veterinary student. I was feeling so many things. Self doubt, mostly. I was starting to doubt if this was really meant for me. What if I'm not good enough to be a veterinarian? I've been so sure my entire life and I've been so confident before, but why now, do I feel undeserving? I played the worst possible scenarios in my head. I shrugged it off, but they come back every time.

These feelings got worse as I approached my CE. If I could explain it in a sentence; it was like my mind was haunted. I have voices in my head that say a lot of negative things and I can't stop them. It was like there were multiple me, screaming negative thoughts at each other while the real me is sitting quietly in the corner, drowning. I couldn't tell them to go away. I couldn't sleep until I was truly exhausted. I felt like I was losing my mind. Luckily, I did well in my essay and MCQ papers. But when it came down to my last oral exam, pre-clinical, I froze. I let my nerves and anxiety get to me. Even if I could rewind that day, it would have played the same way because everything was going against me. So I got recalled for 2 oral exams.

The night my friends got their results and celebrated, I was broken down in my bedroom. I wanted to give up. And I didn't mean just give up DVM, I mean give up life. I wanted it all to end. Why do I always have to come second in everything my entire life? I was at the lowest point in my life but I was grateful for Yie, for pulling me out. For Delna, Hwee Yee and Syahmi for staying up to help me study. The next morning, I sucked it up and I did my best. It was still frustrating and I left with mixed feelings. And then all I had to do was wait. 3 weeks. 3 weeks full of anxiety but I kept busy with my sister's wedding receptions.

After all that, when I finally got the call, and I got my results, I cried. People say "tears of joy". But for me, it was relief, like a huge weight is lifted and I never want to feel that way ever again. It was horrible. To have something you want so much be given to you and have it taken away when you're so close and then having to work for it again. People say life's not fair, well, life was a rabid bitch to me. I nearly lost to it. So there you go, that was my 8 year long and hard journey to get to where I am. But I did it. I did it. I damn nearly lost my mind but I did it.

It's been 2 months since that happened. I didn't jump straight into the working life because I thought I needed to rest and heal. I still get nightmares. I still get anxiety. Lesser than usual, but I still do.

I'm still trying to look for help.

Back with purpose

Hey, everyone! I'm back.

I know I've said this so many times. Years have passed since my last post, but I mean it this time. I'm 26 years old now. I'm worn out from chasing my dream of becoming a veterinarian. I was bent and broken, honestly. I want to share my struggles and hopefully, one day, share how I overcome them.

I'm back because I want to help those who are in the same rut as me. I'm going to post some really deep stuff. Painful stuff. Stuff that a lot of us are suppressing. At least for me that is.

But that's not all I'm going to post, of course. I also want to share my experiences as a veterinary student and my current experiences being a new veterinarian.

My old posts (from before this one) were posts I had written while I was still doing my diploma in animal health and production. A lot has happened since then. But I will share all of that soon. Like I said, I'm 26 years old now. A freshly graduated veterinarian.

But it doesn't just end there. So stay tuned! Or not, I won't force you 😜

Wild and Free

It's been a while since I last posted anything here. But no worries, I'm back for my break and I feel I need to write and tell the world (or whoever is reading this) a little something about wildlife. If you've read one of my previous posts, I've mentioned that I was going on a student internship at a wildlife center. Well, that was a few months back at Matang Wildlife Center (MWC), Kuching, a well-known rehabilitation center for Orangutans.

Now, to be honest, before I worked at MWC, I expected to be able to interact closely with the wild animals there. To be able to hold and to pet them as seen on so-called wildlife programs you see on the TV. But what I learned while working with those animals really opened my eyes and changed my views about animals in captivity.

What most people don't know is that, there is a HUGE difference between a zoo and a wildlife rehabilitation center. A zoo keeps wild animals in captivity (cages, aquariums, enclosures etc.) and feed and care for them, just to make money off tourists who would pay to see these wild animals in... well, not in the wild. A wildlife rehabilitation center, on the other hand, is a center that cares for injured or captured animals in enclosures as natural as possible to train these animals to survive and eventually be released back into the wild. Rehab centers do not capture wild animals and keep them in captivity just for the fun of it. They do it with purpose, which is to conserve, to rehabilitate. They save animals from illegal captivity. Once they believe these animals are well capable of foraging for food, of survival, they release these animals back into their natural habitat, the forests. 

When I was working at MWC, I wasn't allowed to touch these animals or even hand-feed them. I needed to keep my distance, to minimize contact with these animals. The most important thing when it comes to rehabilitation was that; to minimize human-animal contact. Animals are a lot like children, they get attached to the people who care for them. But animals, especially wild animals, they need to learn to care for themselves, they need to survive in their own natural ways, not the human way. So the less contact we make with them, the more successful their rehabilitation becomes, the higher their chances are of surviving in their natural habitat.

Zoos don't do that. Once the wild animals are chosen to live in captivity, they will live and die in captivity. Be it in steel cages, in concrete enclosures, in glass aquariums, in plastic tanks, that will be their "home" for life. Yes, it is not natural. And yes, it does affect these animals. Can you imagine being ripped and separated from your family, at a very young age, to live in tanks over your real home, the ocean? You would be traumatized! That's exactly what's happening to these animals in captivity. They are traumatized. But unlike humans, animals aren't able to think for themselves, they're unable to fight for their rights. So they live in depression, they are forced to behave a certain way, trained to do tricks on queue, to draw with their trunks, certainly not how they were created by God to live. And once they become useless to their human "owners", they are left to waste away and die, still in captivity.

Who is responsible for this, you ask? We all are. The money we pay to visit zoos, to visit oceanariums and for tickets to animal shows, to watch dolphins do tricks, to watch elephants and lions perform in a circuses, THAT is what's causing all this unnecessary animal captivity. Do you know what is happening in Taiji, Japan right now? Look it up. Dolphins and whales who swim around The Cove are trapped and captured to be shipped off to live in tanks and aquariums. Ones that are not in "perfect shape" are killed off. Japan isn't the only country doing this though, there are many others worldwide. Wild animals taken from their natural home for the sheer entertainment of us "higher beings".

So please, before you take your money out of your purses and wallets to pay for that ticket to go into a zoo or oceanarium or animal show, think about this, think about the animals. Are they doing what they do because it's natural? If no, then stop. Don't support the entertainment business that's killing these animals. Wild animals are exactly that; wild. Let them be wild and free, just as what they were created to be.

That one year mark

I remember the first time I saw you when I first got here. I thought you were really nerdy with your glasses tied to your head. I remember when I used to just pass you by like a stranger. You were my bestfriend's coursemate, that Chinese guy that never really smiled. I remember when one of my friends had a huge crush on you and I thought, "What is so sexy about that bald head?" And then I remember when we first talked. It was at the airport and I surprised you when I watched an episode of Walking Dead. I remember when my friend dragged you to Kuching for a week with us. You were shy, but you stuck with me like a puppy. I started noticing you then. I remember when we first hung out, just you and me. I didn't ask you to, but you helped me carry heavy bags of vests. We talked about our childhood that day. I remembered when we first started texting. I went to sleep with a smile on my face every night. And the first time we talked on the phone. I panicked when my phone rang and calmed myself down, "You guys hung out so many times already, just be cool, it's Yek." I remember every day of that one study week, we used to walk and fed the deers. There was a fat deer we named Fatso. And I remember the first time you said I love you. It was the midnight of my birthday. You were the first to call and wish me. And you confessed. My heart raced and I wanted so much to say I love you too. I remember the time you asked. It was that evening we went to feed deers. You had given me my presents and wrote me a poem. And as we walked downhill, you slowly said these words, "Phoebe, I've never been so sure about anything in my life but... will you be my girlfriend?" I giggled and grinned like an idiot. Immediately I said, "Yes!" 


We were such dorks. You made me laugh so much and you made me so happy. Months go by and we have fights every now and then. But you never walked away. You stayed and we always talk things out. And every 19th we would fall in love with each other all over again. The sea kept us away from each other during holidays, but we stayed up all night talking and slept all day.

We dreamed together. We talked about our future. We built our house together and we furnished each of the rooms. We put so much of your Coke in the fridge and I wanted space for my soybean milk and yoghurt drinks. You wouldn't let me have a microwave because you said it would be bad for our brains. But I won that argument. We're getting a microwave!


We talked about our children. What kind of a father you would be. And how I would discipline our kids. How we would let them have amazing childhood.

A few nights ago, we made one year. You gave me an evening of laughs and grins despite having final exams on my birthday. And lastnight we both agreed, that we are our own favourite couple. How could I not love us? I really can't imagine being with anyone else.

You're the only person who can make me laugh until I can't breathe. The only person who can make me feel beautiful. The only person who can make me feel safe and loved.

I love you with all my heart, Lee Jing Yie. 

I can't wait to spend forever with you.

April, come quick!

Hello, bloggers! I know I haven't posted in a long time. I've been so busy with reports, assignments and presentations lately. Yesterday marked the last of our presentations for the semester and wow, I went back to my room so exhausted I fell asleep in my towel! Next week would be my last week of lecture, before our study week begins, then final exams and the semester finally comes to an end. I honestly can't wait!

Beginning this April, I'll be expecting to undergo my 11 weeks of training. I've already chosen a place, Matang Wildlife Centre back home in Kuching. I didn't know which animal to work on for my special project at first. There were so many to choose from. Also, I have to consider my friends who are tagging along as well. Nabby, Amir, Hilman and Malie. I've a feeling it's going to be a blast working with these interestingly funny personalities!

Nabby chose the orang utans, the main attraction of the place. I originally wanted to work with them too, but baby orang utans to be specific, since they need a lot of care and attention. Hilman is crazy about the Binturong bear cats. He just wouldn't stop chanting, "I want the bearcat, I want the bearcat, I'm taking the bearcat!". So we let him have a go at it. Haha. Malie wants to work with the crocodiles. I was really impressed. Not a lot of girls here are bold enough to want to work with reptiles! Amir and I, on the other hand, were still on the fence.

But after Nabby showed us videos of volunteers at the centre, the more we watched it, the more we want to go there and the more excited we got! Saw that there are many other animals there including deers, sun bears, otters and even porcupines!

I was really interested in the sun bears. So when the forestry students came back from vising national parks in Kuching, I went around asking them about the animals in Matang Wildlife, the sun bears especially. It was important to us that the animals we work on should be in many numbers. And when they said there were at least 5 sun bears, I immediately set my mind on these Bornean creatures!

Oh, I am so thrilled and excited! We have yet to receive confirmation, though. Hopefully the main campus accepts our appeal for early training because I really can't wait to have a taste of a real encounter with wildlife. It's been a lifelong dream of mine!

April, please come quick!

no one is telling me the speed I should be travelling, so watch me take the lead

I guess I’m always known for being hard on myself when it comes to my education. I’m never good enough for me. Since I was in primary school, it was never good enough if I didn’t get first place, if I didn’t get straight A’s in SPM. Now I’m in university, I’m not good enough until I get at least a DA.

Some people call me ungrateful. Please, I’m not. Trust me, I am grateful that I’ve gone up to where I am. I’m reducing my B’s, although I haven’t gotten rid of that one B last semester, I’m still grateful. I’m a little disappointed that for the third time, I didn’t get into the list, but at the same time, I’m so happy to be this close! I just have to work a little harder.

Yek kept wondering why I do this to myself, even when I’m ahead. Well, it’s never about competition with others. I compete with myself alone. I’m trying to be ahead of myself. I don’t care about anyone else, because what’s the point of being better than someone else but still not moving forward as an individual? I have reasons for everything that I do.

And the reason why I need to be in the list so bad is to secure my place in the main campus for DVM. 

Getting DA means getting your name up on your faculty’s board, and which means getting your name recorded in The System.  A higher chance!

I may have one foot at the door of my dream, but I still need to get my other foot in. That’s the degree talking. Only God knows how hard it is for diploma students to compete with STPM holders and Matriculation students to get into DVM, even when you’re holding a Diploma in Animal Health. The world is a little messed up in this part of Asia.

And that is why you have to work for what you want. Nothing’s ever gonna come falling from the sky without a price.

“You can move as you make from the cradle to the grave, 
it doesn’t matter what they say.”

Hello, Peanut

About a month ago, at exactly July 12th 2012, my classmates and I found an orange kitten trapped in one of the empty cupboards in the lab.

Tasha went all out to save this kitten and since she was already taking care of 2 grown male cats (Tai Tai and Jerry) in her room, she couldn't keep this orange kitty.

So I took him in and named him Peanut.

Peanut, on the first day

Peanut was really scared and shaky in the beginning. Then he got super noisy and pooped all over my bed. I wasn't ready for it and wanted to give him up but I was really heartbroken when I left him at the foodcourt one day. He had only been with me for a week and already I was attached.

So Yek, my sweet gentleman boyfriend came to the rescue. He took Peanut in and took care of him until I was ready for that commitment. I love Yek so much for this. He never had a pet of his own but he kept Peanut for me because he knew I loved him and could never let him go.

Yek did a really great job at training and taking care of Peanut. He was getting attached to Peanut, too. And almost didn't wanna let me have Peanut back when I asked. I promised we would have shared custody over him.

So now, Peanut is with me and he's been a really good and well-behaved boy. Well, not exactly well-behaved, he dashes around the room and bites and scratches people. But despite all that hyperactivity, he poops and pees at the right place. This is gonna sound weird, but his toilet is a dustpan. I'm definitely keeping this little fella!

Here are pictures of my little orange monster.

Always monkeying around

After I got him back from Yek, he sat right here

Always disturbing me when I'm on my laptop

Falling asleep while I surf the net

Yek used to let him sleep in the drawer, now Peanut does this

Our last picture together, before I go home tonight

I'm a night away from home. And I have a confession to make.

I'm not as close to God as I used to be. I haven't been for months.

I've been keeping this to myself because I didn't wanna be judged. I wasn't proud of myself. I'm not proud of myself. But when I told Yek this just now, I felt so much better. So I think I should tell everyone else now. Or at least, anyone who cares to read this blog anyway.

I don't really know what happened to me. I guess, in words, "I got tired" was the best way to put it. Worst reason ever, I know, but that's the truth.

Yek said maybe I was stressed out or maybe not a lot of things were happening in my life, or that maybe I didn't have enough trouble that would make me seek God. I don't think it was any of that.

I wasn't that kind of person who only seeks God when she's in trouble. No. I used to talk to God about everything, every time, everywhere, like He was an invisible friend who is constantly by my side. I didn't need reason to talk to Him. I talked to Him practically all the time.

But now I've stopped. This never happened before. And now that it is happening, I don't know what to do. The moment I realized I was falling away, I tried to pray. I really did. But sad thing was, I didn't know what to say. I just lost the ability to say anything to Him. It's like I forgot how. And I got tired of trying.

I really want to go back to God. Go back to being joyful in His arms. I miss that. I know it's going to be tough. But Yek was right, I should keep trying to pray anyway.

I'm so blessed to have Yek. He reminded me that my faith was the most beautiful thing I have and I should never lose it. He was even willing to back away to save it, thinking he was the reason this happened.

I love you, sweetie, but I have to do this myself. I'm going back to God one way or another. And if I'm going to have to cry about it, I will.

I'm going back to you, Father, because You never left me.

You're right here,

You never stepped a single foot away.

You never stopped loving me.

And Your arms are always wide open.

for the long haul

In the very beginning, you sensed I'm a loyal person. You're right, I am. So I beg you, please don't think about me leaving you. You mean to me as much as I mean to you. And that is too much.

It is intense, to think I've found someone perfect this early. But I know it's not impossible. We both know God has a reason for everything. We can only find out when we're dead but we're a long way from death, aren't we, my love?

And it doesn't freak me out that you're serious. It doesn't freak me out that our relationship is getting serious. Because I'm serious too. I always meant to be serious. If I didn't, I wouldn't even take the plunge. We wouldn't even be together if all I wanted was to have temporary fun.

I'm happy. I was thrilled when I realised I got to chase my biggest dream; to save animals. I've finally found happiness. Then you came along, swept me off my feet, and you know what? My happiness just went up a thousand notch! And it's not going down.

Everything is finally falling into place. I'll always tell you, that you're everything I've always wanted in a man, because you really are. You're worth the wait. And I hope I'm worth it for you too.

We're perfect. I can never get tired of saying that. If we ever find flaws, I'm sure they're tiny and we can fix them together. It's still the beginning, but I'm in this for the long haul.

excuse me while i fall for you

I found this video in my almost-dismantled phone and it's one of me and Theresa singing Hesitate. We got bored one day during the long post SPM break and I wanted to show her this new song I found. She decided we make a cover of it.

Just for kicks. I really wasn't ready. Heck, I'm never ready for any cover. I was just in the singing mood and she got lucky. LOL!

Anyway, here it is. This was in 2011 and my hair was just recently chopped at the time. T'was a phase I went through, kinda like Britney Spears you know, what with the bald head and all. Except I wasn't psychotic or going through any mental breakdown. Just wanted some change.

Okayyy, going out of topic. Again.

By the way, to my dear boyfriend, please re-read the title of this post!

Thank you :D

i'll never forget how

We both fell for each other

at that

very same moment...

everything's on fire

Ever since I got home, Yek has been telling me to look back at all the videos I've posted before. Videos of myself singing. Apparently he's watched them all repeatedly just to make sure that it was me. According to him, my voice has changed.

Yeah, I know. Now I don't sound like I'm holding my breath anymore. I hope! To prove it, I took a recording earlier. Just cause I was in the mood of singing...

Okay, fine, I've been bursting into songs all day!

It was all fun until I almost lost my voice with all the upbeat songs and this was all I could afford singing. Haha please be good to me.

this heart is set

Strangers who passed and never said hello,

Who would've thought you'd be the one I waited for.

You took your time climbing these walls,

Honesty and trust came before any of our falls.

We sang along the streets we both walked on,

Our thoughts are all in sync,

We both want the same things and,

I learned one important thing.

You and I are of the same kind.

Our story is carefully written,

In tiny writings of yours and mine.

Sound of your name and the world I've forgotten,

As thoughts of you come flowing through my mind.

My once guarded heart now feels safe,

And this is the first.

Your past fears began to fade,

And the world is just a bright light waiting to burst.

Wonder not about finding me earlier,

Worry not about making up for lost time.

This, here, couldn't get any better,

We're perfect, and your hand fits mine.