Oh puppy of mine...

Yek, stop reading my blog!

It's not a university subject.

Go on study Physics or Chemistry or Fish Biology!

Or I'll tell everyone your real English name :D

only God is to judge us

If there's one principle I always keep in mind, it's this;

God will judge you the same way you judge others.

As hard, and almost as impossible as this may sound, I always go on my days stopping myself from trying to past judgment. I don't throw first impressions around, unless that someone really stands out. Even so, I'd want to know a person better before I start thinking up adjectives for them.

This got me thinking when my friends told me what they first thought about me. Most of everyone's first impression on me was that I was stuck-up and too serious. Now that they know me, they'd say, "Mana la I tahu you ni gila sangat sampai cam ni!"

Haha! I guess I cover my dorky side a little too well with this I'm-gonna-stomp-on-you look I inherit from my parents. But you can't blame me for having a serious face, can you? I'd smile 24/7 but that would probably end up with me losing control of my normal facial expressions.

Anyway, enough about me. The bigger problem here is the way people look at my coursemates, as DKHPians.

If you ask around and say, "Budak DKHP", you'd hear lots of negative stuff.

"Budak DKHP semua kaya, semua pakat nak glamor."

"Budak DKHP semua sombong."

"Budak DKHP tak layan orang."

I really don't know what the past DKHPians have done, but you can't judge us for something we didn't do. People tend to look at us as if we all came out of the same messed up factory. We've even had lecturers passing judgments on us the first day they met us!

Must I constantly point out that not all DKHP students are the same? As a matter of fact, no one is the same!

Most of my coursemates know all the mean things people say about our course. It does hurt, how people think you're a bad person when you're actually innocent, but we don't act out on it. We take it and we shove it to the side like it was trash, because that's what false judgments really are; useless trash.

But what about those of us who aren't strong enough to deal with these negative stuff? Everyone needs to know one thing;

Your words can be the cause of someone's depression.

So stop saying these things like you know us too well. Stop saying anything about anyone you don't even know!

Think back to all those moments you judge people, whether your judgments are true or not. Now imagine yourself being judged the same way, but this time, by GOD.

Do you think you deserve every bit of it?

more than I could chew

A lot has happened to me in the course of a month!

I swear, February was the craziest throughout this whole semester. We were busy from the first February minute up until its last.

I think the first thing was the DKHP Farewell Dinner for our seniors. We slept at 4am almost every night and worked our butts to the bones to make sure they're happy. There was a problem at first; they didn't think we could make it work, just because we failed to book the hall, which our cheapskate dean refused to give all in the name of high electricity bills. It's ridiculous, really, but our event was a great success. The best part was when our seniors apologized and expressed their gratitude to us at the end of the night. That just made everything worthwhile :)

And then there was my Bakti Siswa trip to SMV Miri. Wow! The memories I made there. Again, I was deprived of sleep and had to run around constantly. I was extremely tired and my back was literally killing me, but I had the time of my life. The students in SMV were so hyper and naughty. They were hard to handle, but we handled them swiftly! :D I really admire Ifah. She's amazing with those kids. They just love her.

The one thing I can never forget about that program is that night when one of the students had hysteria. It was my first encounter and thank God I didn't freak out! I have to admit though, the amount of goosebumps that attacked my whole face that moment was countless and insane in all dimensions! The most amazing moment was when everyone left the hall, gathered at the canteen, sat together and prayed. Muslims and Christians and all, prayed together that night. It really made me smile.

Then there was the Maulidur Rasul event in campus, our ongoing sports event, Piala Dekan and our Sukan Uniputra. Everything was stuffed into one whole month! Don't even get me started with our endless tests, presentations and assignments.

My block's super cool flag for Uniputra!

But all is well here! I just completed my MUET today. :D

Now I've come to my study week and our finals will be over by March 20th. Then, I'll be on the plane back home for three whole months! I really can't wait for this long semester break.

My beloved trolls! A little burnt from the sports event.

We'll be coming back as sophomores ! (Haha that sounded like smores if you say it out loud) Yummy.

Anyway, I'm gonna go and play in the rain now. Keep spreading love like fire! <3

Hey you. I really mean it :)

words that will melt in your hands

I've been going through all of my old posts. The ones from this blog and also from my old blog. I'm talking about extremely old posts, way back from when I was still in high school.

Found almost all of my poems and read them over and over again. Tried to remember what they were all about. I don't mean to blow my own horns, but, wow, who knew I could write like that!

I remember I began writing poems at 15. I had so much to say but never found the voice to say them. So I wrote it all out, (in winding words and played around a little so no one would understand) but I still wrote them out.

I have to say my favourite poems must be the ones I wrote about God. Re-reading them, I can still feel every little thing I felt when I wrote them. Peace and serenity!

And then there were some poems that I wrote out of sheer boredom. Hahaha.

I think I'm gonna go and collect all of those poems and put them in one place. And maybe start writing again. I'm definitely gonna start writing again!

And you must be itching to take a look at my old posts, yes?

Go on. I dare you to ;)

this pace we're at

Stumbled upon this post by Brett today. It scared me.

I'm always on my guard and I'm continuously building a wall around my heart. I know how emotionally-fragile I am. Which is why I'm very careful about who I fall for. I don't give in to my feelings easily either.

If someone thinks I'm hard on them, they need to know I'm even harder on myself. I need to get to know a person well before I let my guards down.

But I trust God with my heart. Take it slow, is what He told me :)

cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

I didn't think anyone could be perfect but here's the truth. I used to think you were the closest thing to that. You didn't see it, you thought you needed to be more athletic, more spiritual. I thought differently. You were perfect. Your heart was perfect. To me, at least.

Wasn't that enough, though? To have at least one person to think that way about you? One person, besides God.

Then you decided to flaw yourself. Adopted the kind of attitude I feel nothing but disgust for. If you think it's confidence, well, you've never been more wrong. A real man of God wouldn't boast about his knowledge, or say rude things to others. Neither would he look down on the unfortunate.

Where did you leave your humble heart? I hope your new set of friends didn't step on it and let it splatter all over.

in all its glory

Know what I've been up to since the Christmas holiday? Watching and reading about the apocalypse. How ironic is it that it's the year 2012 now?

Season 5 of Supernatural. Yeah, you know that one. Sam and Dean were both vessels for Lucifer and Michael. The Four Horsemen are slowly popping up one by one. It's pretty amusing, actually. The red horseman came in a red mustang. When the third horseman, Famine, arrived, people weren't lacking food, but were hungry, famished, if you must. They'd eat to their deaths. And then the horseman would eat their souls. I've seen all four horsemen, and the way these series twisted the story is just, wow, creative in all dimensions.

And the book I'm reading? Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. I can't even begin to express my love for Neil Gaiman. He's just an amazing author. I'd read all his books and die of laughter. But anyway, back to the book, it is seriously good. Gave me an insight on what it's like on the other side; you know, the dark side. The demon Crowley is funny, (though, in Supernatural, I hated him and his freakin large ego). Then there's the angel, Aziraphale. He's hilariously annoying when he's drunk. Yeah, angels and demons drink on Earth.

Okay, now you're probably wondering why I think it's all amusing, this whole end-of-the-world thing. Well, it's all work of fiction. Besides, I'm alive now and I'm making the best of it. Like I said before, I don't wanna live in the past or the future. So right now, I'm having a ball of a time. Why get scared over something that hasn't happened yet? Take a break from your fears.

Plus, you should've known a long time ago, I've got some pretty morbid thoughts roaming around in this pretty little head of mine.

Sarawakian Desert

I used to joke saying Bintulu is like the African Desert in Sarawak, since I'm always losing weight and getting darker here.

Well, now I'm not even kidding anymore.

The food in campus is getting less. The cafeteria closest to my block have decided to shut down. The foodcourt is now running at night, but it's 2km away from the dorm and the other cafeteria, is, well, in the boys' area. I can't always be walking there since it rains all the time.

There's no clean water either! I thought there was, until I fill up my pail yesterday morning and saw just how much filth there were coming from the pipe. It was as yellow as pee! Oh God, I'm scared to even take a shower now. And did I really just boil pee-like water and made my tea with that?!

Someone please take me away from here. I need to go home to good company, good food and clean water. I can't afford to get sick alone.

Christmas, come quick!

not my hair

Last Friday morning, I had a nightmare. My mum and sis forced me into modelling. Yes, I call that a nightmare. Why? Because the freaking hairdresser cut my beloved bangs to one-inch-short. I was practically an alien with one-inch bangs and boy-short hair. I looked over at mum and she said, "Don't worry! You look great. Even better when your make-up is done! What an edgy look!" Oh please, just shoot me, why don't you?

That wasn't just it, though. The story gets worse...

The hairdresser took her sweet time, making me look even more like an alien, that I was one of the last models to get ready. The director got mad at me and I was dumbstruck. I mean, what about this stupid hairdresser you geniuses hired?

The hairdresser, then, decided to run off to the kitchen, leaving my hair undone. Seconds later, there was a loud argument between the hairdresser and the director's wife. Apparently, the hairdresser was baking cheese cake and burnt it. (How random can you get, right?) But I stuffed my face with that cake anyway, cos come on, I can't resist cheese! It tasted great, by the way. I don't understand the need for an argument.

Aaaand, the director screamed at me and told me to put on my dress and start shooting. Licking my cheese-covered fingers, I stomped into the changing room and wondered if I had to be naked around all the other models just like my sister told me. That's where the dream ended.

You have no idea how glad I was to be back in reality and still have my bangs.

That afternoon, I was called to a photo-shoot to help promote UPM "internationally". I'm sure you know what was running through my mind that day. Irony...

Was asked to do two more shoots this week. Thank God there wasn't any hairdresser today!

challenge accepted

I'm not the kind of person who gets self conscious about her body. As a matter of fact, I love my body. I wouldn't trade it with anyone else.

I'm grateful that I have a high metabolism rate. I can't get fat, but I lose weight easily. Now that's the frustrating part; losing weight when you're already underweight to begin with!

I keep losing weight lately and I'm not happy about that. Last Sunday, when putting on my skinny jeans, I realized they've gotten a little loose. They used to be perfectly fit, but now they're loose. My skinny jeans, mind you! I don't want my legs to look like sate sticks.

Which explains why I am currently on a weight gain challenge. I'm eating 3 to 4 meals a day, with snacks in between. Never will I let myself skip any dinner. I don't care if I'm "not in the mood to eat", or if I'm "not hungry yet", I will chow everything down.

I thank God for Reyna and her roommate for never listening to me whenever I say, "The rice is too much". They force me to eat it anyway. I'm not allowed to leave any rice on the plate.

I don't over-eat, of course. If I ever do, please know that it was an act of forced gluttony, not by choice.

Now the reason I'm taking this weight gain challenge is because I want to keep at a healthy weight. It's really scary when looking at the scales and seeing the numbers less than 40 kg. I just know that it's not healthy and I certainly don't want to be anorexic.

I guess my main goal is to finally reach a normal BMI. I've been underweight for my entire lifetime, I think it's time I stop being lazy and start eating more. And never be called a starving African kid again. (yes, my mum's colleague actually said that)

My response to Jia Ahn when he brought up obesity

Here's to gaining weight! (healthily)

I'm stalking... I mean, starving.

Reyna asked me what my favourite love story was and I couldn't think of any. I'm so used to watching movies that made me laugh and long movies that made me think. Never really watched love stories. I mean, Dear John bored me to death. (Okay, it actually annoyed me, because the stupid girl couldn't wait for John and married someone else. Stupid.) And I never watched The Notebook, nor do I ever wish to.

Romantic comedies, yes, but those aren't considered love stories, are they? They make no sense at all. I mean, is that even real?

Anyway, now I think I may have found my favourite. Well, according to the movie itself, it claims to be a story about "boy meets girl" but is "not a love story". I never really understood that part, but, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking about 500 Days of Summer.

Wait, that's not considered a love story, either? Oh well! Who cares. Let's just pretend it is. And it's my favourite. Here's why.

I can relate to both Tom and Summer. Like Tom, when it comes to my expectation of a love life, I'm a hopeless romantic. I like the sappy stuff, hearing a certain song when you think of someone. But in reality, I can relate to Summer in so many ways. Apart from the whole "love doesn't exist, it's a fantasy" thing, I think I'm almost as messed up as she is. Hard to crack.

Okay, I should stop typing now before I make myself sound even more of an idiot than I already have. I should get back to my studies.

Goodbye, now!

I'm not capable

doors of the heart shut and unsound,

tall walls built all around,

questions rise and I began to wonder,

did fear really take over?

these emotions I keep bottled,

disciplined guards of mine never toppled,

they see nothing but the cold side,

when really I belong where I decide.

let the world think I'm not capable,

as a matter of fact, I'm only unable,

there's more to life, I tell myself,

than to fall in love and lose my heart's health.

say if I ever do let my guards down,

and fall even more that I was to drown,

no one would know as I begin to learn,

these secrets will remain secrets that he should earn.

chillin like a villain

The week is almost over! And it's a bitter-sweet feeling.

One, I'm excited for the weekends, because I don't have to wake up early. Well, except on Sunday, where I'll be going to church. But I love going to church. It's like an adventure. Crossing the busy road with a bunch of UPM students. Hearing screams on every side. Haha..

And on the other hand, I'm a little nervous about Bakti Siswa. What's Mr. Hakim going to make us do? With all the things he's made Zura and I pick up from HEP. Plus, I haven't got to know my buddy yet. All I know is his name, what course he's studying and the fact that he's not exactly from here. I think?

I still have not decided on the three 'important' things I would bring, either!

Oh, well. Let whatever happen, happen. Not like it's the end of the world, yes?

Anyway, I've been pretty sneaky, observing people lately. It's really fun, I have to admit. Look at what I snapped with my phone the other day!

The row of bums behind me

Hilman, the tired grim reaper

Yeah, I listen to music during talks and keep myself entertained by taking pictures of people sleeping. So watch your backs, guys. The next time you fall asleep around me, your face will be here. It's kind of a sport I play...

Since I can't play real sports.

Oh I miss my doggie, Castro! Pray for this brown fella, he's sick.

Please, get better, my big boy.

And don't you dare leave the house compound again!

I will send you for castration if you do.

That's a promise.