Time

We were at a relative's house last night, attending a rosary prayer for my dad's cousin whose recent passing was caused by liver cancer. He was only 34 and he only knew about this illness two months ago. His passing was quite a shocking news, and though we were always busy, daddy made sure we went for a visit, even just once.

We werent close relatives, I dont blame anyone for that. There are many of us, scattered here and there and all over Kuching. So, it would be pretty normal for me to meet people along the way; a classmate for a year or someone I frequently say hi to would one day come up to me and say, "Hey, do you know that we're cousins?" But anyway, here I go, running out of topic again. Let's get back to this.

As everyone bowed their heads and prayed together, my mind wandered off, reminiscing my hard time in the hospital two years ago. The one moment I could never erase from my memory. The painful near-death experience. Most of family members didnt know this, not my dad, not my siblings, no one except my mum who was there to witness it. But she didnt know what was really going on inside. I decided to tell her when the prayer ended, my brother listened too.

I asked mum if she remembered the time at the hospital I screamed non-stop. The time when blood and liquid quickly gushed out through the tiny tube that was inserted in my lung and made it hurt so bad to breathe. She nodded. I then asked, "Do you remember when I told you I wanted to give up and hold my breath until I fade away?" Mum nodded and said that it scared her then. I knew it must have, but here comes the awful truth.

I did give up. Multiple times.

I held my breath for as long as I could and hoped I would fade away. I would repeatedly beg God to take me away, and then screamed when I realised He wouldnt do it. But I would do it all over again. Hold my breath and beg.

I think it was the fifth time I did this, that I really searched for God. I begged Him to end this misery, to end this pain in my chest which felt like rocks were literally crushing in on my lung. I then asked God to give me a reason to live.

When I closed my eyes, God immediately gave me an answer. No, He gave me answers. I was bombarded with millions of reasons to live. The first being my mother, and the rest of my family members. Second being my friends. These people meant a lot to me. The third being my studies, which was so important to me. I then wondered why I worked so hard in my life. That question was immediately answered, too.

I worked so hard because I believed I was meant to save animals, I really wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted it so much, I dedicated my life towards reaching that goal, despite what my parents thought of it. All I needed was God, and God I had by my side the entire time. But there I was, laying in the hospital bed, so desperate to give up on life. A life I wasnt done living.

There were so many things I have not done, so many places I have not seen. I have not experienced college life. I have not experienced adulthood. Never was I in a relationship. Never was I marrried. Never was I able to build a family. Never did I get the chance to figure out my purpose. I was only fifteen. I had a long way to go. I needed to keep chasing my dreams. I needed not to give up.

It was then I decided to fight what I know now as the hardest battle in my life. I breathed even when breathing meant I would have to feel the excruciating pain in my chest. I'd scream after every single breath I took, which I realised scared my mum. I decided to stop screaming even when that was all I wanted to do. I groaned instead. I didnt want mum to know how much pain I was in. I closed my eyes and pretended I was calm and asleep, when the truth of the matter is, I was still fighting and struggling. That went on for almost an hour, still, the pain would not go away and I was still short on breath.

By God's grace, I managed to pull through. Here I am, now. I've never been so in love with God. I used to think that Scoliosis was a curse but I now see it as a blessing. A tool that made me stronger and the person I am now. That incident shook me from my ignorance. If God did not put me through such a hard time, I never would appreciate life as much as I do now.

It took me a painful experience to realise this. I hope no one would need such pain to open up their eyes. Life is a gift from God which should never be taken for granted. It really is hard to die when you know you have not lived.

sufferings

We had Bible Study at youth this week. It was about "Sufferings". It was a hard but deep and meaningful topic. I wished the world could have been there to listen. But anyway, here's what we learned and well, some of my own views too.

The question that was frequently asked was, "Is God the source of our sufferings?"
The answer to that is no, He is not the source of suffering, but He allows it to happen.
Now rises the ever so popular question, "What kind of God would allow such thing?" God has a purpose. We read in John 9:1-7, God allowed a man to be blind so His work could be seen through this man. Those words came from Jesus' lips, but never did he say that God was to blame.

When bad things happen, we often find ourselves say, "Why me? What did I do wrong?". Well, we dont have to sin in order to suffer. It is not because of our sin or our father's sin that causes us to suffer, neither is it any of our ancestors' fault. When we suffer, it's easier to find blame in someone or in God, rather than to see the good that comes with the suffering. Everyone suffers. It could be a test of faith or a blessing in disguise, who knows, but it is up to us to decide what to make of it.

Almost everyone takes a suffering as a bad thing. No one really sees the greater good in it. But when we were asked to describe what happens to a person if he never had to suffer or face any problem in life, if he was "perfect" in every way, each and everyone of us used negative words like unappreciative, complacent, ignorant, ungrateful and it goes along that line, which I believe is all true.

If you never had to suffer, how could you possibly tell if your life is good when you dont even know the difference? You would most probably end up taking for granted everyone and everything around you. When you lose them, this would be your first suffering, and with such naivety, how are you able to handle this?

So, suffering is not necessarily punishment. It should bring hope to surface (Romans 5:3-5). It should drive us closer to God. It should make us stronger, not bring us down. Have you ever thought of it this way; If God didnt think you could pull through, why would He let such a thing happen to you? He knows what you're capable of, He knows your strength. And with that knowledge, He only allows sufferings of which you are strong enough to endure. And you'll see how strong a person you really are when you do :)

medically speaking, i'm a fragile person

Tuesday made me realise that I cant study for long hours without a rest.

So, I had a very unproductive morning that day. (Just like every other morning, lately) When I got home, I decided I wasnt going to take a nap until I completed my tasks. I was hyper anyway, so that helped me focus. Sure, I did occasionally burst into song while hitting the calculator buttons. It's a funny habit, I tend to sing when I do Addmath. I'm in love with the subject!

I completed everything by 4.50pm and took a shower right away, to get ready for my tuition class that night. I did steal a ten-minute nap in the car. Best ten minutes of my life! Haha!

The pain hit me after, though. While I was in tuition, happily doing my work. My back ached like it never ached before. It started to distract me, so I took a bathroom break, stretched myself and went back to work. Still, I wanted to go on forever. I really didnt wanna leave.

I was mentally active but physically beat. It's okay, though. I see now how my geeky nature works best. In the afternoon! :) Gone are the times where I'd stay up late at night cramming words into my brain, which I forget all too easily. I've decided to do my best and as for the rest; I want to let go and let God.

A verse I always keep in mind:

"It is useless to work so hard for a living,
getting up early and going to bed late.
For the Lord provides for those he loves,
while they are asleep."
- Psalms 127:2

Well, today's a really good day! That sticks with me, some of the information :) Sorry! But here's what I will tell you...

I bought lemons after my Physics class ended! I also bought vanilla extract. Now I shall not suffer a shortage of vanilla extract, like I did a few weeks ago as I was making chocolate pudding. You know what this means? I get to bake tomorrow! Cant wait! :D

conquering the kitchen... specifically the oven

I have a hankering to bake! I've been feeling this way since three weeks ago, when I started to surf the internet for recipes. I'm addicted to this new practice, now. I guess it's a good thing my brother dismantled the remote. I wont have to be glued to the tv and AFC. I might just come up with more baking ideas.

The fact that I am very busy makes it harder for me to find the time and ingredients. This is where I wish I was in Form 4 again. I used to be a cupcake factory, to Michelle at least :)

One of my classmates brought a big plastic jar of meringue cookies today! I remember my eyes bulging out of their sockets first thing in the morning as I passed by the table; the empty table with no one watching, tempted to steal! But, no, must resist. Patience gave me a free pass to the meringue cookies, anyway. Well, Cassie too, who practically screamed, "Hey, I want meringue! Give me the meringue!" Oh, it was heavenly!

And now I have this crazy hankering to make some meringue. I'm thinking meringue pie... Tiny meringue pies. You can put the whole thing in your mouth, if you wish. Yes, that's the one...

I just need to find the time !

soundtracks to our lives

Thursday, I came to school earlier than I recently have. As I was taking that long walk to my classroom, I chased after Jay, who was a good 7 meters away from me. The girl walks fast. I was tired of walking really fast, so I decided to chirp repeatedly, hoping I would capture her attention. I did! :D She turned and gave me this look which practically said I'm crazy for having the energy to do this this time of day.

We both went to Science 3 after that. Jay wanted to see if Theresa was around and I, well, I just love being around Ray, Theresa, Sheryl and I could go on and say all their names, but I dont have the typing skills, so I wont :)

Theresa wasnt there, yet (we hoped). I dont know how we started talking about Jared Leto and how shocked we were to find him with a pink mohawk. We all agreed it looked pretty cool, though.

Ray never knew this until we mentioned it. I told her I first saw the mohawk in their video but forgot how the song went. She asked me for the title and all I could come up with was, "Something the edge". Ray went straight to rockstar mode and sang it out. Oh, dear God, I love Ray. "Closer to the edge!", she stopped and excitedly screamed the title out. And we went yeahh that's it!

She started talking about this other 30 Seconds to Mars track which she loves, This Is War. She told me to listen to it. She said she could just drown in it every time but in a good way, it was like the soundtrack to her life. She could feel herself standing in a crowd of people and the band is playing just a few feet from her.

Soundtracks to our lives. I was reminded of my own. Jimmy Eat World's Work. She started jumping out of her seat and went, "Oh I remember that song, it's so good. How did it go again?" We spent the next few minutes trying to sing it. We finally got it when Sheryl arrived and asked, "What are you guys trying to sing?" Hahaha...

Well, here, I'll show you both of ours :)


This is War by 30 Seconds to Mars. I knew Ray has such great taste in music. We both love them without having one another to instill that love. (You know how some only love a certain kind of music after a friend tells them to) Doesnt happen here. It's one of the reasons why we're so close :)



Work by Jimmy Eat World. This song puts a smile on my face every time I listen to it, from start to finish. I could close my eyes and listen to the sound of the guitar in the intro and you'll see a smile carved on my face. The lyrics, make me reminisce the good times I had in Miri. I miss it and this song brings it all back somehow.

So, what's the soundtrack to your life? ;)

since your full attention is all mine

This is a warning to my dear class teacher; I'm tempted to skip school again. Sorry, Miss, but I really dont want to spend my morning in a place where I cant even stick my head in my Chemistry book for more than 5 seconds without being distracted by the many events that occur around me. It gets me anxious, especially since SPM is only days away and my brain is slowly losing the information it gained in the past years.

Speak of SPM, mock is over and we all got our results. Well, except our BM essays. The adorably funny lady loves taking her time. Improvements, I see, every time I get my papers. This is good :) But my Physics isnt as good as it was in the last term, though. Someone mentioned the paper that was set being "not a good one". I'll take that. Haha! I have two papers with A- and by A- i mean, 79%. Do you see now why I'm so agitated by it? I cant seem to find the one mark that could get me 80%, an even number! Things like these make me obsessive compulsive.

My friends do the funniest things whenever we are about to receive our papers. It's pretty normal for them to threaten one another if the other gets a better result. But dont get me started with Angela and the things she'd wanna do while waiting for her paper. Let's just say, she loses control of her bladder. It sometimes affect me, too!

Mel practically went missing the whole week. Tuesday's an exception, since I had to give her a call at 5am to make sure she wakes up. I would do that everyday, Melly, if calls were made free. I let myself run out of credit for you. Now, you need to give me a call right after you read this. I want to hear all about the people who made you smile today :)

I was just watching a video by A Rocket To The Moon.
I now want colourful paper lanterns...

"maybe I'm Mr. Right, maybe I'm the one you like"

the hands of time can never move again

It's Monday and I'm not in school. Well, it's not typical Phoby to skip school but I was really not in the mood of being there when teachers dont teach anymore and all we do is sit around, talking endlessly about nothing.

Even when I do try to study on my own, the world gets louder and tempts me. I'm no good with temptations lately.

Plus, I refuse to bring home any more of Mel's or Jay's test papers as they love to skip school and leave me sitting alone with empty tables on both sides. You see, the three of us sit in the middle row where there are three tables and well, I sit right in the middle of the two. Use your imagination and you'll see why my classmates would always go, "Aiee, Phoebe's alone again."
But I thank God for Cass, Gladys and Angela who are rarely missing though :)

On another note, I had a really bad day yesterday. One of the worst. It just went on from day to night. Gave me a major headache. I prayed almost every waking hour I was there. Thankfully enough, I was able to control my tongue when confronted. I love you, Father :)

When I finally got home, I decided to make chocolate pudding. One that remains soft and rich even after days of refrigeration. And so I did! Watched I Love You, Man and Sorority Row right before I went to bed. That made me feel better.

I awoke today to the thought of chocolate pudding and banana milkshake. Here I am, having just that for breakfast. I'm in love...

I've a feeling it's gonna be a good day :)

In You

When I was cleaning up my room about two weeks ago, I found this piece of paper with drawings of the cross on it. And there were writings too; my handwriting.

It all looked so familiar and I realised it was a song I wrote at the beginning of the year. I dont normally write songs as I am musically impaired and like my sister once said, I'm tone-deaf. Haha. But yes, I do sing when I'm alone or when I'm around my friends and feeling happy.

This was the first song I wrote and it was for God. I guess that's what made it special. It really came from the heart and I like to think I was touched by the Spirit when I wrote this. It may not be perfect, but here's to God :)

I have found my way
I have found a place
That is right here with you
That is right here in your arms

I'm gonna stick here with you
I'm gonna stand up tall
I'm gonna call out your name
Even if they push me and I fall

I'm never gonna break
I'm never gonna break down, I'm never gonna

Cos I am moved in you
I am moved in you
I am moved in you, I am
I'm moved in you

Heehee, it's funny how I actually remember the tune after so long. Dear God, I love you :)

a bear, anyone?

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

your mind is a moment to be stamped

Melinda is constantly hinting that we speak languages other than English. She would always text me in BM after she leaves her BM tuition on Thursdays. I would read them after my Physics class and laugh at my phone while people stare at my insanity. Nice one, Mel.

I cant help but reply in BM. It's a funny habit I cant quit. Now we randomly chat in BM too.

M: Phoebe
P: Yes?
M: Angin kuat. Saya takut. Saya mahu mummy datang.
P: Saya juga takut. Tadi angin buat bising macam hantu.
M: Come selamatkan saya!
P: Kamu selamatkan saya!

But we have not taken this to the 'real' life level, yet. I doubt I would be able to content my laughter. My classmates think I sound very funny when I speak BM or S'wak.

So, Mel, I refuse to let you laugh at me in school for speaking in languages I would only write in.

so long, little one

Kiki passed away yesterday morning. We came home on Wednesday afternoon and Kavan found her laying in the basket of clothes, looking very ill, with saliva flowing out of her mouth. She was shivering. Mummy brought her to the vet right away. It was a viral infection and the vet was afraid it might have spread to her brain already. She was admitted for a night, and the next morning, she was gone.

Fifa searches for her every now and then. He would go to the bathroom, (Kiki used to love going to the bathroom), meow and leave. I guess it was best that mummy payed the SPCA to bury Kiki. We didnt bring her home and let Fifa see her like that. I mean, after what happened to the dogs, (Lemon was depressed when Dottie died, Vodka was depressed when Sammy died) and our last two cats, (Leo was depressed when Milk went missing) who knew what Fifa would be like.

They were pretty close. They'd go everywhere around the house together. Never thought I'd say that since Fifa was so cold towards her in the beginning. But I think Fifa is happy, still. I always make sure he gets all the attention he needs, to keep his mind off his missing friend. I know it may be weird to some, the fact that I treat my pets like humans, but hey they mean a lot to me.

Anyway, as I was cleaning the litter-box, I saw worms in the stool. I quickly told mummy to make sure she gets Fifa checked. I'm worried he might be infected, though he seemed perfectly healthy. Clean and hyper. No weight loss. If anything, he gained weight. It may not affect him in any way but it could be one of those animal diseases that would infect humans, like campylobacter or cryptosporidium or something. And I dont think I need to remind you that I just cleaned the litter-box. I must have come in contact with the stool without noticing it.

Mummy said okay and then started talking about the neighbour's cats that would always come and visit our house (to steal Fifa's food and most probably relieving themselves at his litter-box).

I wonder when shall Fifa see the vet. Let's have a countdown.

the irony

so, appreciate.