Time

We were at a relative's house last night, attending a rosary prayer for my dad's cousin whose recent passing was caused by liver cancer. He was only 34 and he only knew about this illness two months ago. His passing was quite a shocking news, and though we were always busy, daddy made sure we went for a visit, even just once.

We werent close relatives, I dont blame anyone for that. There are many of us, scattered here and there and all over Kuching. So, it would be pretty normal for me to meet people along the way; a classmate for a year or someone I frequently say hi to would one day come up to me and say, "Hey, do you know that we're cousins?" But anyway, here I go, running out of topic again. Let's get back to this.

As everyone bowed their heads and prayed together, my mind wandered off, reminiscing my hard time in the hospital two years ago. The one moment I could never erase from my memory. The painful near-death experience. Most of family members didnt know this, not my dad, not my siblings, no one except my mum who was there to witness it. But she didnt know what was really going on inside. I decided to tell her when the prayer ended, my brother listened too.

I asked mum if she remembered the time at the hospital I screamed non-stop. The time when blood and liquid quickly gushed out through the tiny tube that was inserted in my lung and made it hurt so bad to breathe. She nodded. I then asked, "Do you remember when I told you I wanted to give up and hold my breath until I fade away?" Mum nodded and said that it scared her then. I knew it must have, but here comes the awful truth.

I did give up. Multiple times.

I held my breath for as long as I could and hoped I would fade away. I would repeatedly beg God to take me away, and then screamed when I realised He wouldnt do it. But I would do it all over again. Hold my breath and beg.

I think it was the fifth time I did this, that I really searched for God. I begged Him to end this misery, to end this pain in my chest which felt like rocks were literally crushing in on my lung. I then asked God to give me a reason to live.

When I closed my eyes, God immediately gave me an answer. No, He gave me answers. I was bombarded with millions of reasons to live. The first being my mother, and the rest of my family members. Second being my friends. These people meant a lot to me. The third being my studies, which was so important to me. I then wondered why I worked so hard in my life. That question was immediately answered, too.

I worked so hard because I believed I was meant to save animals, I really wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted it so much, I dedicated my life towards reaching that goal, despite what my parents thought of it. All I needed was God, and God I had by my side the entire time. But there I was, laying in the hospital bed, so desperate to give up on life. A life I wasnt done living.

There were so many things I have not done, so many places I have not seen. I have not experienced college life. I have not experienced adulthood. Never was I in a relationship. Never was I marrried. Never was I able to build a family. Never did I get the chance to figure out my purpose. I was only fifteen. I had a long way to go. I needed to keep chasing my dreams. I needed not to give up.

It was then I decided to fight what I know now as the hardest battle in my life. I breathed even when breathing meant I would have to feel the excruciating pain in my chest. I'd scream after every single breath I took, which I realised scared my mum. I decided to stop screaming even when that was all I wanted to do. I groaned instead. I didnt want mum to know how much pain I was in. I closed my eyes and pretended I was calm and asleep, when the truth of the matter is, I was still fighting and struggling. That went on for almost an hour, still, the pain would not go away and I was still short on breath.

By God's grace, I managed to pull through. Here I am, now. I've never been so in love with God. I used to think that Scoliosis was a curse but I now see it as a blessing. A tool that made me stronger and the person I am now. That incident shook me from my ignorance. If God did not put me through such a hard time, I never would appreciate life as much as I do now.

It took me a painful experience to realise this. I hope no one would need such pain to open up their eyes. Life is a gift from God which should never be taken for granted. It really is hard to die when you know you have not lived.