always will be

Yesterday, mum kind of hurt my feelings. She saw me walking down the stairs and blurted out, "You're like a kid, Pip." I stopped and asked, "What?" and she went, "Nothing. I cant imagine how you would survive in college."

Ouch, mum. I really didnt understand where all that came from, so I asked again, "What do you mean I'm like a kid? What is it about me that makes you say that?"

"I dont know. You're just such a kid. I'm afraid you dont know how to take care of yourself if you leave this place."

Wow. How random and painful can such words be. I never get hurt whenever my friends or my sister say things about me. But when it comes down to my mum, every criticism and every comment that comes from her lips would affect me greatly. I cant tell how many times before have I been broken down from listening to her words. Her words matter so much to me, no matter how painful or how pleasing they may be. I always believe in them.

I always forgive her in the end, though, because I'm sure she forgets sometimes, that I am over-sensitive and emotionally fragile. It must be hard to be the mother of a child like me, but whenever I tell her how unappreciated I feel, she would always say, "You dont know how much you mean to me, Pip. If I could have ten of you, I would."

After talking to Mel about it, I understand now where all those words came from yesterday. It must have been really scary for mum to hear me say, "I want to get out of here for college." Mel told me, "She's a mum. I think all mums would lock their kids in the house and never let them go if they had the choice. At least I know I would."

Mum must have finally realised that I'm growing up and I'm leaving high school behind. She wouldnt have to wake me up early in the morning or drive me to school anymore. There would be a high possibility that I would leave home and be on my own. A high possibility that she wouldnt see me around as much as she did before. The fear she had for my sister; she would have to go through again with me.

I guess I will always be a little kid in her mind. But I do see that her trust in me continues to grow as time goes by. She let me drive yesterday, for the first time, without her or dad in the car. Traffic was really busy yesterday, I only had my brother with me and I was not confident at all. But she believed in me and that was all that matters.

So, to make things a little easier, I'll let you say anything you want about me, mummy.
You can say I'm childish, clumsy or irresponsible even if it werent true.
I'll let you treat me like a kid because I know,
I will always be just that in your mind.
But I wouldnt mind it at all.
I'm a little kid to the best mum in the world :)