no one is telling me the speed I should be travelling, so watch me take the lead

I guess I’m always known for being hard on myself when it comes to my education. I’m never good enough for me. Since I was in primary school, it was never good enough if I didn’t get first place, if I didn’t get straight A’s in SPM. Now I’m in university, I’m not good enough until I get at least a DA.

Some people call me ungrateful. Please, I’m not. Trust me, I am grateful that I’ve gone up to where I am. I’m reducing my B’s, although I haven’t gotten rid of that one B last semester, I’m still grateful. I’m a little disappointed that for the third time, I didn’t get into the list, but at the same time, I’m so happy to be this close! I just have to work a little harder.

Yek kept wondering why I do this to myself, even when I’m ahead. Well, it’s never about competition with others. I compete with myself alone. I’m trying to be ahead of myself. I don’t care about anyone else, because what’s the point of being better than someone else but still not moving forward as an individual? I have reasons for everything that I do.

And the reason why I need to be in the list so bad is to secure my place in the main campus for DVM. 

Getting DA means getting your name up on your faculty’s board, and which means getting your name recorded in The System.  A higher chance!

I may have one foot at the door of my dream, but I still need to get my other foot in. That’s the degree talking. Only God knows how hard it is for diploma students to compete with STPM holders and Matriculation students to get into DVM, even when you’re holding a Diploma in Animal Health. The world is a little messed up in this part of Asia.

And that is why you have to work for what you want. Nothing’s ever gonna come falling from the sky without a price.

“You can move as you make from the cradle to the grave, 
it doesn’t matter what they say.”

Hello, Peanut

About a month ago, at exactly July 12th 2012, my classmates and I found an orange kitten trapped in one of the empty cupboards in the lab.

Tasha went all out to save this kitten and since she was already taking care of 2 grown male cats (Tai Tai and Jerry) in her room, she couldn't keep this orange kitty.

So I took him in and named him Peanut.

Peanut, on the first day

Peanut was really scared and shaky in the beginning. Then he got super noisy and pooped all over my bed. I wasn't ready for it and wanted to give him up but I was really heartbroken when I left him at the foodcourt one day. He had only been with me for a week and already I was attached.

So Yek, my sweet gentleman boyfriend came to the rescue. He took Peanut in and took care of him until I was ready for that commitment. I love Yek so much for this. He never had a pet of his own but he kept Peanut for me because he knew I loved him and could never let him go.

Yek did a really great job at training and taking care of Peanut. He was getting attached to Peanut, too. And almost didn't wanna let me have Peanut back when I asked. I promised we would have shared custody over him.

So now, Peanut is with me and he's been a really good and well-behaved boy. Well, not exactly well-behaved, he dashes around the room and bites and scratches people. But despite all that hyperactivity, he poops and pees at the right place. This is gonna sound weird, but his toilet is a dustpan. I'm definitely keeping this little fella!

Here are pictures of my little orange monster.

Always monkeying around

After I got him back from Yek, he sat right here

Always disturbing me when I'm on my laptop

Falling asleep while I surf the net

Yek used to let him sleep in the drawer, now Peanut does this

Our last picture together, before I go home tonight

I'm a night away from home. And I have a confession to make.

I'm not as close to God as I used to be. I haven't been for months.

I've been keeping this to myself because I didn't wanna be judged. I wasn't proud of myself. I'm not proud of myself. But when I told Yek this just now, I felt so much better. So I think I should tell everyone else now. Or at least, anyone who cares to read this blog anyway.

I don't really know what happened to me. I guess, in words, "I got tired" was the best way to put it. Worst reason ever, I know, but that's the truth.

Yek said maybe I was stressed out or maybe not a lot of things were happening in my life, or that maybe I didn't have enough trouble that would make me seek God. I don't think it was any of that.

I wasn't that kind of person who only seeks God when she's in trouble. No. I used to talk to God about everything, every time, everywhere, like He was an invisible friend who is constantly by my side. I didn't need reason to talk to Him. I talked to Him practically all the time.

But now I've stopped. This never happened before. And now that it is happening, I don't know what to do. The moment I realized I was falling away, I tried to pray. I really did. But sad thing was, I didn't know what to say. I just lost the ability to say anything to Him. It's like I forgot how. And I got tired of trying.

I really want to go back to God. Go back to being joyful in His arms. I miss that. I know it's going to be tough. But Yek was right, I should keep trying to pray anyway.

I'm so blessed to have Yek. He reminded me that my faith was the most beautiful thing I have and I should never lose it. He was even willing to back away to save it, thinking he was the reason this happened.

I love you, sweetie, but I have to do this myself. I'm going back to God one way or another. And if I'm going to have to cry about it, I will.

I'm going back to you, Father, because You never left me.

You're right here,

You never stepped a single foot away.

You never stopped loving me.

And Your arms are always wide open.

for the long haul

In the very beginning, you sensed I'm a loyal person. You're right, I am. So I beg you, please don't think about me leaving you. You mean to me as much as I mean to you. And that is too much.

It is intense, to think I've found someone perfect this early. But I know it's not impossible. We both know God has a reason for everything. We can only find out when we're dead but we're a long way from death, aren't we, my love?

And it doesn't freak me out that you're serious. It doesn't freak me out that our relationship is getting serious. Because I'm serious too. I always meant to be serious. If I didn't, I wouldn't even take the plunge. We wouldn't even be together if all I wanted was to have temporary fun.

I'm happy. I was thrilled when I realised I got to chase my biggest dream; to save animals. I've finally found happiness. Then you came along, swept me off my feet, and you know what? My happiness just went up a thousand notch! And it's not going down.

Everything is finally falling into place. I'll always tell you, that you're everything I've always wanted in a man, because you really are. You're worth the wait. And I hope I'm worth it for you too.

We're perfect. I can never get tired of saying that. If we ever find flaws, I'm sure they're tiny and we can fix them together. It's still the beginning, but I'm in this for the long haul.

excuse me while i fall for you

I found this video in my almost-dismantled phone and it's one of me and Theresa singing Hesitate. We got bored one day during the long post SPM break and I wanted to show her this new song I found. She decided we make a cover of it.

Just for kicks. I really wasn't ready. Heck, I'm never ready for any cover. I was just in the singing mood and she got lucky. LOL!

Anyway, here it is. This was in 2011 and my hair was just recently chopped at the time. T'was a phase I went through, kinda like Britney Spears you know, what with the bald head and all. Except I wasn't psychotic or going through any mental breakdown. Just wanted some change.

Okayyy, going out of topic. Again.

By the way, to my dear boyfriend, please re-read the title of this post!

Thank you :D

i'll never forget how

We both fell for each other

at that

very same moment...

everything's on fire

Ever since I got home, Yek has been telling me to look back at all the videos I've posted before. Videos of myself singing. Apparently he's watched them all repeatedly just to make sure that it was me. According to him, my voice has changed.

Yeah, I know. Now I don't sound like I'm holding my breath anymore. I hope! To prove it, I took a recording earlier. Just cause I was in the mood of singing...

Okay, fine, I've been bursting into songs all day!

It was all fun until I almost lost my voice with all the upbeat songs and this was all I could afford singing. Haha please be good to me.

this heart is set

Strangers who passed and never said hello,

Who would've thought you'd be the one I waited for.

You took your time climbing these walls,

Honesty and trust came before any of our falls.

We sang along the streets we both walked on,

Our thoughts are all in sync,

We both want the same things and,

I learned one important thing.

You and I are of the same kind.

Our story is carefully written,

In tiny writings of yours and mine.

Sound of your name and the world I've forgotten,

As thoughts of you come flowing through my mind.

My once guarded heart now feels safe,

And this is the first.

Your past fears began to fade,

And the world is just a bright light waiting to burst.

Wonder not about finding me earlier,

Worry not about making up for lost time.

This, here, couldn't get any better,

We're perfect, and your hand fits mine.

Oh puppy of mine...

Yek, stop reading my blog!

It's not a university subject.

Go on study Physics or Chemistry or Fish Biology!

Or I'll tell everyone your real English name :D

only God is to judge us

If there's one principle I always keep in mind, it's this;

God will judge you the same way you judge others.

As hard, and almost as impossible as this may sound, I always go on my days stopping myself from trying to past judgment. I don't throw first impressions around, unless that someone really stands out. Even so, I'd want to know a person better before I start thinking up adjectives for them.

This got me thinking when my friends told me what they first thought about me. Most of everyone's first impression on me was that I was stuck-up and too serious. Now that they know me, they'd say, "Mana la I tahu you ni gila sangat sampai cam ni!"

Haha! I guess I cover my dorky side a little too well with this I'm-gonna-stomp-on-you look I inherit from my parents. But you can't blame me for having a serious face, can you? I'd smile 24/7 but that would probably end up with me losing control of my normal facial expressions.

Anyway, enough about me. The bigger problem here is the way people look at my coursemates, as DKHPians.

If you ask around and say, "Budak DKHP", you'd hear lots of negative stuff.

"Budak DKHP semua kaya, semua pakat nak glamor."

"Budak DKHP semua sombong."

"Budak DKHP tak layan orang."

I really don't know what the past DKHPians have done, but you can't judge us for something we didn't do. People tend to look at us as if we all came out of the same messed up factory. We've even had lecturers passing judgments on us the first day they met us!

Must I constantly point out that not all DKHP students are the same? As a matter of fact, no one is the same!

Most of my coursemates know all the mean things people say about our course. It does hurt, how people think you're a bad person when you're actually innocent, but we don't act out on it. We take it and we shove it to the side like it was trash, because that's what false judgments really are; useless trash.

But what about those of us who aren't strong enough to deal with these negative stuff? Everyone needs to know one thing;

Your words can be the cause of someone's depression.

So stop saying these things like you know us too well. Stop saying anything about anyone you don't even know!

Think back to all those moments you judge people, whether your judgments are true or not. Now imagine yourself being judged the same way, but this time, by GOD.

Do you think you deserve every bit of it?

more than I could chew

A lot has happened to me in the course of a month!

I swear, February was the craziest throughout this whole semester. We were busy from the first February minute up until its last.

I think the first thing was the DKHP Farewell Dinner for our seniors. We slept at 4am almost every night and worked our butts to the bones to make sure they're happy. There was a problem at first; they didn't think we could make it work, just because we failed to book the hall, which our cheapskate dean refused to give all in the name of high electricity bills. It's ridiculous, really, but our event was a great success. The best part was when our seniors apologized and expressed their gratitude to us at the end of the night. That just made everything worthwhile :)

And then there was my Bakti Siswa trip to SMV Miri. Wow! The memories I made there. Again, I was deprived of sleep and had to run around constantly. I was extremely tired and my back was literally killing me, but I had the time of my life. The students in SMV were so hyper and naughty. They were hard to handle, but we handled them swiftly! :D I really admire Ifah. She's amazing with those kids. They just love her.

The one thing I can never forget about that program is that night when one of the students had hysteria. It was my first encounter and thank God I didn't freak out! I have to admit though, the amount of goosebumps that attacked my whole face that moment was countless and insane in all dimensions! The most amazing moment was when everyone left the hall, gathered at the canteen, sat together and prayed. Muslims and Christians and all, prayed together that night. It really made me smile.

Then there was the Maulidur Rasul event in campus, our ongoing sports event, Piala Dekan and our Sukan Uniputra. Everything was stuffed into one whole month! Don't even get me started with our endless tests, presentations and assignments.

My block's super cool flag for Uniputra!

But all is well here! I just completed my MUET today. :D

Now I've come to my study week and our finals will be over by March 20th. Then, I'll be on the plane back home for three whole months! I really can't wait for this long semester break.

My beloved trolls! A little burnt from the sports event.

We'll be coming back as sophomores ! (Haha that sounded like smores if you say it out loud) Yummy.

Anyway, I'm gonna go and play in the rain now. Keep spreading love like fire! <3

Hey you. I really mean it :)

words that will melt in your hands

I've been going through all of my old posts. The ones from this blog and also from my old blog. I'm talking about extremely old posts, way back from when I was still in high school.

Found almost all of my poems and read them over and over again. Tried to remember what they were all about. I don't mean to blow my own horns, but, wow, who knew I could write like that!

I remember I began writing poems at 15. I had so much to say but never found the voice to say them. So I wrote it all out, (in winding words and played around a little so no one would understand) but I still wrote them out.

I have to say my favourite poems must be the ones I wrote about God. Re-reading them, I can still feel every little thing I felt when I wrote them. Peace and serenity!

And then there were some poems that I wrote out of sheer boredom. Hahaha.

I think I'm gonna go and collect all of those poems and put them in one place. And maybe start writing again. I'm definitely gonna start writing again!

And you must be itching to take a look at my old posts, yes?

Go on. I dare you to ;)

this pace we're at

Stumbled upon this post by Brett today. It scared me.

I'm always on my guard and I'm continuously building a wall around my heart. I know how emotionally-fragile I am. Which is why I'm very careful about who I fall for. I don't give in to my feelings easily either.

If someone thinks I'm hard on them, they need to know I'm even harder on myself. I need to get to know a person well before I let my guards down.

But I trust God with my heart. Take it slow, is what He told me :)

cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

I didn't think anyone could be perfect but here's the truth. I used to think you were the closest thing to that. You didn't see it, you thought you needed to be more athletic, more spiritual. I thought differently. You were perfect. Your heart was perfect. To me, at least.

Wasn't that enough, though? To have at least one person to think that way about you? One person, besides God.

Then you decided to flaw yourself. Adopted the kind of attitude I feel nothing but disgust for. If you think it's confidence, well, you've never been more wrong. A real man of God wouldn't boast about his knowledge, or say rude things to others. Neither would he look down on the unfortunate.

Where did you leave your humble heart? I hope your new set of friends didn't step on it and let it splatter all over.

in all its glory

Know what I've been up to since the Christmas holiday? Watching and reading about the apocalypse. How ironic is it that it's the year 2012 now?

Season 5 of Supernatural. Yeah, you know that one. Sam and Dean were both vessels for Lucifer and Michael. The Four Horsemen are slowly popping up one by one. It's pretty amusing, actually. The red horseman came in a red mustang. When the third horseman, Famine, arrived, people weren't lacking food, but were hungry, famished, if you must. They'd eat to their deaths. And then the horseman would eat their souls. I've seen all four horsemen, and the way these series twisted the story is just, wow, creative in all dimensions.

And the book I'm reading? Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. I can't even begin to express my love for Neil Gaiman. He's just an amazing author. I'd read all his books and die of laughter. But anyway, back to the book, it is seriously good. Gave me an insight on what it's like on the other side; you know, the dark side. The demon Crowley is funny, (though, in Supernatural, I hated him and his freakin large ego). Then there's the angel, Aziraphale. He's hilariously annoying when he's drunk. Yeah, angels and demons drink on Earth.

Okay, now you're probably wondering why I think it's all amusing, this whole end-of-the-world thing. Well, it's all work of fiction. Besides, I'm alive now and I'm making the best of it. Like I said before, I don't wanna live in the past or the future. So right now, I'm having a ball of a time. Why get scared over something that hasn't happened yet? Take a break from your fears.

Plus, you should've known a long time ago, I've got some pretty morbid thoughts roaming around in this pretty little head of mine.