cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

I didn't think anyone could be perfect but here's the truth. I used to think you were the closest thing to that. You didn't see it, you thought you needed to be more athletic, more spiritual. I thought differently. You were perfect. Your heart was perfect. To me, at least.

Wasn't that enough, though? To have at least one person to think that way about you? One person, besides God.

Then you decided to flaw yourself. Adopted the kind of attitude I feel nothing but disgust for. If you think it's confidence, well, you've never been more wrong. A real man of God wouldn't boast about his knowledge, or say rude things to others. Neither would he look down on the unfortunate.

Where did you leave your humble heart? I hope your new set of friends didn't step on it and let it splatter all over.

in all its glory

Know what I've been up to since the Christmas holiday? Watching and reading about the apocalypse. How ironic is it that it's the year 2012 now?

Season 5 of Supernatural. Yeah, you know that one. Sam and Dean were both vessels for Lucifer and Michael. The Four Horsemen are slowly popping up one by one. It's pretty amusing, actually. The red horseman came in a red mustang. When the third horseman, Famine, arrived, people weren't lacking food, but were hungry, famished, if you must. They'd eat to their deaths. And then the horseman would eat their souls. I've seen all four horsemen, and the way these series twisted the story is just, wow, creative in all dimensions.

And the book I'm reading? Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. I can't even begin to express my love for Neil Gaiman. He's just an amazing author. I'd read all his books and die of laughter. But anyway, back to the book, it is seriously good. Gave me an insight on what it's like on the other side; you know, the dark side. The demon Crowley is funny, (though, in Supernatural, I hated him and his freakin large ego). Then there's the angel, Aziraphale. He's hilariously annoying when he's drunk. Yeah, angels and demons drink on Earth.

Okay, now you're probably wondering why I think it's all amusing, this whole end-of-the-world thing. Well, it's all work of fiction. Besides, I'm alive now and I'm making the best of it. Like I said before, I don't wanna live in the past or the future. So right now, I'm having a ball of a time. Why get scared over something that hasn't happened yet? Take a break from your fears.

Plus, you should've known a long time ago, I've got some pretty morbid thoughts roaming around in this pretty little head of mine.

Sarawakian Desert

I used to joke saying Bintulu is like the African Desert in Sarawak, since I'm always losing weight and getting darker here.

Well, now I'm not even kidding anymore.

The food in campus is getting less. The cafeteria closest to my block have decided to shut down. The foodcourt is now running at night, but it's 2km away from the dorm and the other cafeteria, is, well, in the boys' area. I can't always be walking there since it rains all the time.

There's no clean water either! I thought there was, until I fill up my pail yesterday morning and saw just how much filth there were coming from the pipe. It was as yellow as pee! Oh God, I'm scared to even take a shower now. And did I really just boil pee-like water and made my tea with that?!

Someone please take me away from here. I need to go home to good company, good food and clean water. I can't afford to get sick alone.

Christmas, come quick!

not my hair

Last Friday morning, I had a nightmare. My mum and sis forced me into modelling. Yes, I call that a nightmare. Why? Because the freaking hairdresser cut my beloved bangs to one-inch-short. I was practically an alien with one-inch bangs and boy-short hair. I looked over at mum and she said, "Don't worry! You look great. Even better when your make-up is done! What an edgy look!" Oh please, just shoot me, why don't you?

That wasn't just it, though. The story gets worse...

The hairdresser took her sweet time, making me look even more like an alien, that I was one of the last models to get ready. The director got mad at me and I was dumbstruck. I mean, what about this stupid hairdresser you geniuses hired?

The hairdresser, then, decided to run off to the kitchen, leaving my hair undone. Seconds later, there was a loud argument between the hairdresser and the director's wife. Apparently, the hairdresser was baking cheese cake and burnt it. (How random can you get, right?) But I stuffed my face with that cake anyway, cos come on, I can't resist cheese! It tasted great, by the way. I don't understand the need for an argument.

Aaaand, the director screamed at me and told me to put on my dress and start shooting. Licking my cheese-covered fingers, I stomped into the changing room and wondered if I had to be naked around all the other models just like my sister told me. That's where the dream ended.

You have no idea how glad I was to be back in reality and still have my bangs.

That afternoon, I was called to a photo-shoot to help promote UPM "internationally". I'm sure you know what was running through my mind that day. Irony...

Was asked to do two more shoots this week. Thank God there wasn't any hairdresser today!

challenge accepted

I'm not the kind of person who gets self conscious about her body. As a matter of fact, I love my body. I wouldn't trade it with anyone else.

I'm grateful that I have a high metabolism rate. I can't get fat, but I lose weight easily. Now that's the frustrating part; losing weight when you're already underweight to begin with!

I keep losing weight lately and I'm not happy about that. Last Sunday, when putting on my skinny jeans, I realized they've gotten a little loose. They used to be perfectly fit, but now they're loose. My skinny jeans, mind you! I don't want my legs to look like sate sticks.

Which explains why I am currently on a weight gain challenge. I'm eating 3 to 4 meals a day, with snacks in between. Never will I let myself skip any dinner. I don't care if I'm "not in the mood to eat", or if I'm "not hungry yet", I will chow everything down.

I thank God for Reyna and her roommate for never listening to me whenever I say, "The rice is too much". They force me to eat it anyway. I'm not allowed to leave any rice on the plate.

I don't over-eat, of course. If I ever do, please know that it was an act of forced gluttony, not by choice.

Now the reason I'm taking this weight gain challenge is because I want to keep at a healthy weight. It's really scary when looking at the scales and seeing the numbers less than 40 kg. I just know that it's not healthy and I certainly don't want to be anorexic.

I guess my main goal is to finally reach a normal BMI. I've been underweight for my entire lifetime, I think it's time I stop being lazy and start eating more. And never be called a starving African kid again. (yes, my mum's colleague actually said that)

My response to Jia Ahn when he brought up obesity

Here's to gaining weight! (healthily)

I'm stalking... I mean, starving.

Reyna asked me what my favourite love story was and I couldn't think of any. I'm so used to watching movies that made me laugh and long movies that made me think. Never really watched love stories. I mean, Dear John bored me to death. (Okay, it actually annoyed me, because the stupid girl couldn't wait for John and married someone else. Stupid.) And I never watched The Notebook, nor do I ever wish to.

Romantic comedies, yes, but those aren't considered love stories, are they? They make no sense at all. I mean, is that even real?

Anyway, now I think I may have found my favourite. Well, according to the movie itself, it claims to be a story about "boy meets girl" but is "not a love story". I never really understood that part, but, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking about 500 Days of Summer.

Wait, that's not considered a love story, either? Oh well! Who cares. Let's just pretend it is. And it's my favourite. Here's why.

I can relate to both Tom and Summer. Like Tom, when it comes to my expectation of a love life, I'm a hopeless romantic. I like the sappy stuff, hearing a certain song when you think of someone. But in reality, I can relate to Summer in so many ways. Apart from the whole "love doesn't exist, it's a fantasy" thing, I think I'm almost as messed up as she is. Hard to crack.

Okay, I should stop typing now before I make myself sound even more of an idiot than I already have. I should get back to my studies.

Goodbye, now!

I'm not capable

doors of the heart shut and unsound,

tall walls built all around,

questions rise and I began to wonder,

did fear really take over?

these emotions I keep bottled,

disciplined guards of mine never toppled,

they see nothing but the cold side,

when really I belong where I decide.

let the world think I'm not capable,

as a matter of fact, I'm only unable,

there's more to life, I tell myself,

than to fall in love and lose my heart's health.

say if I ever do let my guards down,

and fall even more that I was to drown,

no one would know as I begin to learn,

these secrets will remain secrets that he should earn.

chillin like a villain

The week is almost over! And it's a bitter-sweet feeling.

One, I'm excited for the weekends, because I don't have to wake up early. Well, except on Sunday, where I'll be going to church. But I love going to church. It's like an adventure. Crossing the busy road with a bunch of UPM students. Hearing screams on every side. Haha..

And on the other hand, I'm a little nervous about Bakti Siswa. What's Mr. Hakim going to make us do? With all the things he's made Zura and I pick up from HEP. Plus, I haven't got to know my buddy yet. All I know is his name, what course he's studying and the fact that he's not exactly from here. I think?

I still have not decided on the three 'important' things I would bring, either!

Oh, well. Let whatever happen, happen. Not like it's the end of the world, yes?

Anyway, I've been pretty sneaky, observing people lately. It's really fun, I have to admit. Look at what I snapped with my phone the other day!

The row of bums behind me

Hilman, the tired grim reaper

Yeah, I listen to music during talks and keep myself entertained by taking pictures of people sleeping. So watch your backs, guys. The next time you fall asleep around me, your face will be here. It's kind of a sport I play...

Since I can't play real sports.

Oh I miss my doggie, Castro! Pray for this brown fella, he's sick.

Please, get better, my big boy.

And don't you dare leave the house compound again!

I will send you for castration if you do.

That's a promise.

left with no choice

So I was asked to bring three things that I really love, things that are very important to me. Note that these three things should be objects.

I really couldn't think of any. I mean, I don't have a love for objects. I'm not materialistic. I have a love for people, for my family, for children, for animals, and most importantly, for God.

Now, how do I bring these things to the table? Perhaps I could find something that symbolizes each and every one of them. But then, that will bring rise to another problem.

I'd probably be accused of animism, of worshiping objects.

Let's say if I were to put my cross pendant and say, "This symbolizes God."

Everyone in the room would think, "Oh, this poor girl needs help. She worships her necklace!"

Great. I'd even be accused of breaking the first commandment. I wouldn't want that to happen!

Or perhaps I should pretend to be materialistic?

Oh God, no. This is absurd. Why do we need to do this again? I'm probably gonna tell my buddy what I'm bringing. He's gonna know anyway. He'd easily pick them out (I hope).

Till the next BS meeting.

Can't wait to see what's in store for us.

A little prayer

If or when I have children in the future, I really pray none of them have Scoliosis, like I do.

I don't know if I can be as strong as my mum, watching her child go through surgery and thinking he/she is never going to be normal.

I'm too emotionally fragile for that.

And I can't avoid blaming myself for it. I'd drown myself in guilt.

So, please, O Lord, don't punish them.

Amen.

from a new perspective

Hello, there.

So... A friend of a friend of mine stumbled upon my blog and reminded me the existence of it. Yeah, I know I did post a few days ago, but let's face it, the past few posts have been a little out of context. I think I owe this blog a proper post, so here goes.

Life's been great for me so far. I'm now in my second semester and while things are still very laid back, I enjoy myself, nevertheless. Who doesn't like freedom, right?

Speak of freedom, the unnecessary drama that I kept getting caught up with last semester has subsided because, well, a certain someone has decided to ignore me. And you know what? Thank God! Because I'm great at giving cold shoulders and I can assure you that I won't ever freeze first.

On another note, my back has been killing me lately. I hope it's not getting worse because I really don't want to go through another surgery. I told my mum about it and she told me to drink Anlene. Yeah, I bought Anlene and have been drinking every night despite the fact that it's for 19-40 year-olds and I'm only 18, still. I'm getting pretty addicted to milk now. I feel like a bodybuilder who takes protein shakes every morning to stay fit, except in my condition, my spine won't shrink if I don't exercise.

I've met quite a number of new people lately, mostly from the Catholic Student Society. I go to church with these people and it reminds me so much of my youth group back in Kuching. They're the perfect company to keep. Nothing's better than a family in Christ.

We've got many plans in store for this semester and I have to admit, I'm really stoked! Pray nothing will come in the way because I don't want to miss a thing!

Anyway, it appears that I've worn almost every single proper clothing I had in my closet. Really need to do my laundry today and I sure hope the "Sprinkles" in the weather forecast really mean "tiny drops of rain" and not "raining cows and sheep". I'm running out of clothes to wear! Pretty soon I'll have to settle with baju kurung. But of course, I'll talk Reyna into wearing one, too.

Well, I've to go get ready and head to Physics class soon.

Spread love like fire and God bless!

Keep in mind

Remember when I told you not to fall for me because I would break you? I really wasn't kidding.

I told you about him. You know what happened. And you know how much I despised him and how much of a creep I thought he was and still is. I hope you didn't forget that.

I don't want you to turn out like that, too. I don't want to despise you or be creeped out by you. I respect you too much. You're the big brother I've never had.

Yeah, we joke around a lot, but you, out of everyone else, I thought would never take it the wrong way. I really hope you didn't and please, don't.

Who else is going to look out for me if I had to avoid you?

Just a clue

...of what my bipolar heart actually likes.

And I love voices like Josh Golden's.

verging on epic

Back at home and I've been feasting on my addiction to Sims 3.

I guess it all started with my new creations, Sage Hunter and Desiree Foster. They were inspired by Matt Bomer and Olivia Wilde, although my sims don't exactly look like those good-looking actors. Not trying to blow my own horns here, but I think my Sage Hunter is extremely hot and I'm going crazy cos I might actually be falling for him.

Sage Hunter; my best looking male creation.

That sexy look on his face when brushing his teeth!

Desiree Foster. She doesn't really wear those glasses.

These two sims live separately. I started off playing with Sage first, getting his skills up and letting him work in the military line. His lifetime wish was to be an astronaut. I let him give it a shot and I just realized how much I love men in uniforms! He started dating Desiree when we found her at the restaurant.

After a while, I left Sage on his own and moved on to Desiree. She was gonna be the CEO of a mega-corporation company. Yeah, I love a girl who could live on her own and dream big. Her lifetime wish came true and not only that, she was a power broker!

Aaaaand...here's how their lives intertwined!

This gentleman got on one knee!

Real men probably don't do this, but Sage really was

daydreaming about the wedding!

I went all out trying to get this wedding done. It had to be perfect! I had a really sweet theme in mind. A little wedding in the evening by the waterfall, with candles under a cherry tree. Only four guests, the Hazard couple and the Avery couple who were their best friends (yeah they're my past creations too).

Can't get over how beautifully romantic this looks

Sage wore his Fighter Pilot uniform

cos I thought it looked sexier than a tux

And here's the wedding dinner by the lake

Mr. and Mrs. Sage Hunter taking their first dance

The sweet newlyweds!

I slept at dawn trying to get pictures of this sweet wedding. Nope, it couldn't wait. I just had to make this wedding happen cos in case you haven't noticed, Sage and Desiree are my latest obsessions!

It doesn't just stop there. They started a family. Oh, wait till you see what their children are like! But I'm not gonna reveal those little creatures yet. Be patient, behave and I might post pictures of them in the next blog post.

Till then!

Oh by the waay! Here's a really funny video of the couple going crazy, dancing after most of the guests have left.

Yeah, I don't know what music they were listening to either...

Hahahahaha! They crack me up. But they've got some moves alright!

gonna own this day cos I deserve it

So it's my last day in campus, before I leave tomorrow morning for a whole month! Semester is over and I still can't believe it.

I woke up really early this morning to send Reyna, Hani, Aiman, Amir and Anise off. I was so excited for them but gonna miss them terribly! Don't know how many times I've waved and blown kisses at them when they were in the bus. Haha. Now the table's turned.

I'm clearing up my room, doing the laundry and packing my things up today. Getting distracted a lot, though. Like now, for instance, I'm blogging when I'm supposed to be shoving everything in my cupboard. Oh well, got the whole day!

Or do I?

I don't know if the plan of going out with Mack and Angela is still on. But best be getting everything ready by noon!

I'm ignoring my phone for the day, unless of course it's my mum. Can't be bothered to be put down by others. Don't rain on my parade, people. I'm going home and I'm so stoked!

Blasting music in my room like nobody's business. Bahahaha.

Kays, gotta keep on clearing things up now. See ya and God bless!