will you lend me a healing hand?

My back hurt really bad yesterday, I couldnt pay much attention to the words I was supposed to read in the history book. So, I decided to turn in early and went to bed.

Woke up this morning and felt like crying. I hate mornings like that. I stretched here and there but still no relief. I finally got up and brushed my teeth. While I was at it, I let myself think I was fine and there was no back pain. My body believed it for a second, so I managed to study while mum and dad read the newspapers. But an hour later, it was again, hard to study. The pain came back :(

Everyone was busy then and I had to massage my own back. Sad. It was hard and weird but I got used to it. Thank God for ketoprofen gels!

I can always massage my own back and shoulders but here's the thing, I cant keep stopping and squeeze my super stiff shoulders every time I write essays during the exams. And I have essays for every subject. Three weeks of exam sounds really crazy when I think of my back.

Sometimes I wish I could cut myself up, take my scoliotic spine out of my body and stretch it out with my bare hands. Okay, I know I know. Enough morbid thoughts. Darn you, physical pain.

I'm going insane here. I need Sheryl's magical healing hands.

Wait, no. God, I need yours!

"People talk of the sacrifices I have made in spending so much of my life in Africa.
Can that be called a sacrifice which simply pays back a small part of the great debt we owe God?
Is anything a sacrifice when it brings its own blessed reward in a healthful activity, consciousness of doing good, peace of mind, and a bright hope of a glorious destiny?
Away with such a thought.
It's not sacrifice- it's a privilege."

- David Livingstone -

always will be

Yesterday, mum kind of hurt my feelings. She saw me walking down the stairs and blurted out, "You're like a kid, Pip." I stopped and asked, "What?" and she went, "Nothing. I cant imagine how you would survive in college."

Ouch, mum. I really didnt understand where all that came from, so I asked again, "What do you mean I'm like a kid? What is it about me that makes you say that?"

"I dont know. You're just such a kid. I'm afraid you dont know how to take care of yourself if you leave this place."

Wow. How random and painful can such words be. I never get hurt whenever my friends or my sister say things about me. But when it comes down to my mum, every criticism and every comment that comes from her lips would affect me greatly. I cant tell how many times before have I been broken down from listening to her words. Her words matter so much to me, no matter how painful or how pleasing they may be. I always believe in them.

I always forgive her in the end, though, because I'm sure she forgets sometimes, that I am over-sensitive and emotionally fragile. It must be hard to be the mother of a child like me, but whenever I tell her how unappreciated I feel, she would always say, "You dont know how much you mean to me, Pip. If I could have ten of you, I would."

After talking to Mel about it, I understand now where all those words came from yesterday. It must have been really scary for mum to hear me say, "I want to get out of here for college." Mel told me, "She's a mum. I think all mums would lock their kids in the house and never let them go if they had the choice. At least I know I would."

Mum must have finally realised that I'm growing up and I'm leaving high school behind. She wouldnt have to wake me up early in the morning or drive me to school anymore. There would be a high possibility that I would leave home and be on my own. A high possibility that she wouldnt see me around as much as she did before. The fear she had for my sister; she would have to go through again with me.

I guess I will always be a little kid in her mind. But I do see that her trust in me continues to grow as time goes by. She let me drive yesterday, for the first time, without her or dad in the car. Traffic was really busy yesterday, I only had my brother with me and I was not confident at all. But she believed in me and that was all that matters.

So, to make things a little easier, I'll let you say anything you want about me, mummy.
You can say I'm childish, clumsy or irresponsible even if it werent true.
I'll let you treat me like a kid because I know,
I will always be just that in your mind.
But I wouldnt mind it at all.
I'm a little kid to the best mum in the world :)

boom de ah dah

My days go by just about the same lately. So many books and so many words, but evenings are my favourite. They're filled with Discovery Channel, Nat Geo Wild and Animal Planet. I cant tell you how addicted I am to flipping these channels over and over again. These songs are constantly stuck in my head. My favourite commercials! :D





Dont you just feel like smiling when you hear them? I know I do!

eyes for better reasons

To look is one thing.
To see what you look at is another.
To understand what you see is a third.
To learn from what you understand
is still something else.
But to act on what you learn
is all that really matters.

-Bits and Pieces-

Just like jam and bread

That's right, another update! ;) This is for a special someone.

Melinda didnt go to school today because she had to take her driver's test. When school ended, I texted her to know how it went. She told me that she had a whack road tester who doesnt like her. Unbelievable. How can anyone not like you, Melly? I need to see this whack road tester of yours so I can give him/her a solid whack in the head. Maybe I'll use the family "parang". Show em' how we settle things around here. Nobody messes with the headhunters!

On another note, Mel and I made a deal last Saturday. We promised we would each sing a song which reminds us of one another. Monday arrived soon enough. Mel sang first. Guess what song reminded her of me? Paramore's Only Exception. Odd, indeed. Apparently, I was her only exception. I sang her the theme song for Accidentally On Purpose. It really suits our little friendship.

"We go together just like jam and bread
or maybe birds of a feather!"

I hope you still have that little note I gave you, Mel. The one with the lyrics on it. Now, every time you watch that show, you will think of me. And you're absolutely right. Every time I hear Only Exception on the radio, I think of you! Yes, I'd have a smile on my face. Mum thinks I'm crazy every time I do that. But Melly, for you I will (you know that)

"So leng lui, oh!"

P.S. I wished you were with us to spend our Last Tuesday In School Day. Cass, Angela and I walked around school as if we were dramatically saying our goodbyes. Of course, we did kind of laughed at the stack of textbooks the kids still have to carry.

the best meat to ever grace a kitchen

In the past days, I've made and attempted many things in the kitchen. What a weird addiction I'm developing. I'm really loving the art of baking and cooking. Baking, mostly. Cooking, only when I have the house all to myself and I'm asked to make my own dinner.

I dont mind, really. I get very excited whenever I get the chance to experiment in the kitchen. But, I dont like it when people watch me, especially not my mum or brother. They make me nervous, it feels as if Gordon Ramsay was watching me cook. (I'd have to admit, he's pretty funny when he's mad. I mean, do you see how red he gets?)

Last Tuesday, when two big cartons of eggs arrived,
Mum: Ah, now you can bake until you go nuts and never run out of eggs.
Me: Haha. Maybe I should be a chef, since you dont want me to be a vet and all.
Kavan: Yes! You should be a chef. We can be chefs, together! *gets really excited*
Me: I'm thinking pastry chef, I dont think I would survive as a station chef because I'm such a perfectionist, I work really slow, just cutting onions.
Kavan: Okay. You, the pastry chef. I'll be the chef chef. (yes, he actually said that. funny brother of mine)

I immediately made cupcakes that day, after mum got out to buy some butter. When I stayed home alone (I seem to always be alone, lately), I made onion soup for dinner.

I knew I was going to have a good time today, when I signed up for an alone time again. Mum was busy out and about, getting things set up and ready for her kindergarten's concert. Dad and Kavan went off to kampung. I decided to stay home, and study. When I got tired of that, I attempted to make custard to top the leftover cupcakes. It didnt work out so well because I didnt put enough sugar in the custard and it tasted more like egg than anything.

There were still some egg whites left aside in a bowl on the kitchen counter (I needed 2 egg yolks to make the custard). So, I decided I'd have omellete for dinner. I raided the refrigerator for thing's I'd want to stuff in my omellete. Found exactly what I wanted!

The pork and potato omellete I made and ate.


Oh, the melted cheese inside!


I'm having one of the best Sundays in my life :D

distractions aside

To friends who have found me missing from Facebook, sorry I havent told you guys. I deactivated my account. This is only temporary, dont worry. I'll be back on December 8th. Yes, I still have another paper to sit for, EST, which is on the 15th. I'll have about eight days to revise, so nope, Facebook wont be such a distraction then.

I'm surviving pretty well without it, so far. Feels great actually, not having much to do online, apart from checking my emails for some homework and blogging about things in life.

Speak of things in life, I've got wonderful news!

My dear sister will be back this Thursday! Teehee. I cant wait. It's been pretty long. But, I must warn you, sis. Dont tempt me with The Sims 3. Okay, okay. I know you wont, but please please stop me if I ever ask for it. Even if I say, "Only for an hour" and even if it's the weekends. Dont let me. (Oh, this is going to be tough!)

But never mind. It will be worth it :)

I have exactly 15 days to SPM

Almost over

Being one of the school seniors, I am happy to say that I have only a week of school to attend :)
One of my friends, Emily in particular (you know what that means, Mel) suggested we skip a day of school on our last week. I havent put a thought on that yet. Already skipped yesterday, which was out of plan. Dont think I want to skip next week.

Why?

Well, because I'd like to spend as much time with everyone as I possibly can before everyone runs off when SPM starts. Trust me, we wont have time to meet up and talk or laugh together when that battle is in the process. I still am not anxious about it. I'm not saying I'm ready (because I most certainly am not, at least not right now), but I'm calm. Then again, I'm always calm about exams. It's nice :) Sometimes I think it's cool.

Hehe.

SPM will be my last school exam. Off I go, then, to the real world when it is over. Exciting!

Cant wait for the day I'd say, "It is finished," in a British accent, like a lycan in Underworld.

I'll take that as a compliment

I was never fond of my current school, perhaps because it was not an environment I grew up studying in, what with it being an all-girl school and all. I remember the day I first walked its grounds (exactly 32 months ago), I kept longing for the day I would leave. Everything was uncomfortable for me; the classrooms, the girls, the tomboys, the absence of boys, the food. Everything. I never thought I would survive the short past years. I was so used to being in a co-ed school and now, this sudden change? But I did and I kinda like it.

One time, C screamed in class and asked if anyone has a pad. I immediately thought to myself, "Never in a co-ed school would you ever hear that one!"

Everyone has an open mind and everyone is comfortable being who they are, and by "who they are" I mean being a girl and going through what girls go through, without ever feeling embarrassed :)

How I've changed since St. Teresa?

For starters, I have adopted the act of aimless hugging. Believe it or not, I was always uncomfortable with hugging or holding hands or anything that requires the sense of touch when it comes to expressing feelings. I would always use my words; the old-fashion way. I had a somewhat 'cold' heart and now, the heart has melted. And I cant stop hugging!

I am spiritually stronger. I'm surrounded, everyday, by friends who have close relationships with God. These people are not even the slightest bit ashamed of it. What moves me, really, is the fact that we are of different religions and we openly talk about it together. I have Muslim friends who are always genuinely happy to hear me talk about the miracles I've heard, read about or have seen. All this makes me feel blessed because racism doesnt rise here.

I learned to speak my mind. I used to always bottle things up. Now, I stopped holding them in and letting them eat me up. Instead, I let them out and I let go, which is a lot healthier, I must say. Especially since I'm an over-sensitive and emotionally fragile person. I still do cry, but crying is good too; it's another way of letting go :)

Most importantly, I am more of a girl than I ever have been. I dont think that would make much sense to anyone but myself. I cant really explain it but I do know that I'm beginning to love girly things that I used to despise before. Oh, dresses!

I plan to hunt for a yellow dress this Christmas.
Cant wait!

Take it away, Father

It's November. SPM is so close. But that's not what I'm worrying about.

It's the aftermath.

What am I going to do? Where am I going to go?

A week ago, I was in the car with dad...
D: I checked out Unimas this afternoon. They have a new campus. For matriculation.
P: Oh, how is it?
D: It's really nice there. You should take it. Matriculation in Unimas.
P: And study what?
D: Medicine.

sigh...

Two nights ago, when I was with mum and Kavan...
P: Mummy, where do you want me to go?
M: What are you saying?
P: College, university. Where do you want me to go?
M: I want you stay to close to me. UiTM or Unimas

sigh...

"Why, where do you wanna go?"

Honestly, I dont quite know. But I know I dont want to study in UiTM or Unimas. They dont offer the course my heart longs for. I really dont want to be forced into studying Medicine. Just reading about medical courses on websites of every local universities made me feel like flunking because I have no interest in it at all. (This coming from a person who would do anything not to flunk)

I spent the whole morning checking out university websites and whatnot. It's very frustrating. Can I just sit around and let God decide which college I should go to? That sounds a lot more comforting.

I trust You. So, take it away, Father :)

Time

We were at a relative's house last night, attending a rosary prayer for my dad's cousin whose recent passing was caused by liver cancer. He was only 34 and he only knew about this illness two months ago. His passing was quite a shocking news, and though we were always busy, daddy made sure we went for a visit, even just once.

We werent close relatives, I dont blame anyone for that. There are many of us, scattered here and there and all over Kuching. So, it would be pretty normal for me to meet people along the way; a classmate for a year or someone I frequently say hi to would one day come up to me and say, "Hey, do you know that we're cousins?" But anyway, here I go, running out of topic again. Let's get back to this.

As everyone bowed their heads and prayed together, my mind wandered off, reminiscing my hard time in the hospital two years ago. The one moment I could never erase from my memory. The painful near-death experience. Most of family members didnt know this, not my dad, not my siblings, no one except my mum who was there to witness it. But she didnt know what was really going on inside. I decided to tell her when the prayer ended, my brother listened too.

I asked mum if she remembered the time at the hospital I screamed non-stop. The time when blood and liquid quickly gushed out through the tiny tube that was inserted in my lung and made it hurt so bad to breathe. She nodded. I then asked, "Do you remember when I told you I wanted to give up and hold my breath until I fade away?" Mum nodded and said that it scared her then. I knew it must have, but here comes the awful truth.

I did give up. Multiple times.

I held my breath for as long as I could and hoped I would fade away. I would repeatedly beg God to take me away, and then screamed when I realised He wouldnt do it. But I would do it all over again. Hold my breath and beg.

I think it was the fifth time I did this, that I really searched for God. I begged Him to end this misery, to end this pain in my chest which felt like rocks were literally crushing in on my lung. I then asked God to give me a reason to live.

When I closed my eyes, God immediately gave me an answer. No, He gave me answers. I was bombarded with millions of reasons to live. The first being my mother, and the rest of my family members. Second being my friends. These people meant a lot to me. The third being my studies, which was so important to me. I then wondered why I worked so hard in my life. That question was immediately answered, too.

I worked so hard because I believed I was meant to save animals, I really wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted it so much, I dedicated my life towards reaching that goal, despite what my parents thought of it. All I needed was God, and God I had by my side the entire time. But there I was, laying in the hospital bed, so desperate to give up on life. A life I wasnt done living.

There were so many things I have not done, so many places I have not seen. I have not experienced college life. I have not experienced adulthood. Never was I in a relationship. Never was I marrried. Never was I able to build a family. Never did I get the chance to figure out my purpose. I was only fifteen. I had a long way to go. I needed to keep chasing my dreams. I needed not to give up.

It was then I decided to fight what I know now as the hardest battle in my life. I breathed even when breathing meant I would have to feel the excruciating pain in my chest. I'd scream after every single breath I took, which I realised scared my mum. I decided to stop screaming even when that was all I wanted to do. I groaned instead. I didnt want mum to know how much pain I was in. I closed my eyes and pretended I was calm and asleep, when the truth of the matter is, I was still fighting and struggling. That went on for almost an hour, still, the pain would not go away and I was still short on breath.

By God's grace, I managed to pull through. Here I am, now. I've never been so in love with God. I used to think that Scoliosis was a curse but I now see it as a blessing. A tool that made me stronger and the person I am now. That incident shook me from my ignorance. If God did not put me through such a hard time, I never would appreciate life as much as I do now.

It took me a painful experience to realise this. I hope no one would need such pain to open up their eyes. Life is a gift from God which should never be taken for granted. It really is hard to die when you know you have not lived.

sufferings

We had Bible Study at youth this week. It was about "Sufferings". It was a hard but deep and meaningful topic. I wished the world could have been there to listen. But anyway, here's what we learned and well, some of my own views too.

The question that was frequently asked was, "Is God the source of our sufferings?"
The answer to that is no, He is not the source of suffering, but He allows it to happen.
Now rises the ever so popular question, "What kind of God would allow such thing?" God has a purpose. We read in John 9:1-7, God allowed a man to be blind so His work could be seen through this man. Those words came from Jesus' lips, but never did he say that God was to blame.

When bad things happen, we often find ourselves say, "Why me? What did I do wrong?". Well, we dont have to sin in order to suffer. It is not because of our sin or our father's sin that causes us to suffer, neither is it any of our ancestors' fault. When we suffer, it's easier to find blame in someone or in God, rather than to see the good that comes with the suffering. Everyone suffers. It could be a test of faith or a blessing in disguise, who knows, but it is up to us to decide what to make of it.

Almost everyone takes a suffering as a bad thing. No one really sees the greater good in it. But when we were asked to describe what happens to a person if he never had to suffer or face any problem in life, if he was "perfect" in every way, each and everyone of us used negative words like unappreciative, complacent, ignorant, ungrateful and it goes along that line, which I believe is all true.

If you never had to suffer, how could you possibly tell if your life is good when you dont even know the difference? You would most probably end up taking for granted everyone and everything around you. When you lose them, this would be your first suffering, and with such naivety, how are you able to handle this?

So, suffering is not necessarily punishment. It should bring hope to surface (Romans 5:3-5). It should drive us closer to God. It should make us stronger, not bring us down. Have you ever thought of it this way; If God didnt think you could pull through, why would He let such a thing happen to you? He knows what you're capable of, He knows your strength. And with that knowledge, He only allows sufferings of which you are strong enough to endure. And you'll see how strong a person you really are when you do :)

medically speaking, i'm a fragile person

Tuesday made me realise that I cant study for long hours without a rest.

So, I had a very unproductive morning that day. (Just like every other morning, lately) When I got home, I decided I wasnt going to take a nap until I completed my tasks. I was hyper anyway, so that helped me focus. Sure, I did occasionally burst into song while hitting the calculator buttons. It's a funny habit, I tend to sing when I do Addmath. I'm in love with the subject!

I completed everything by 4.50pm and took a shower right away, to get ready for my tuition class that night. I did steal a ten-minute nap in the car. Best ten minutes of my life! Haha!

The pain hit me after, though. While I was in tuition, happily doing my work. My back ached like it never ached before. It started to distract me, so I took a bathroom break, stretched myself and went back to work. Still, I wanted to go on forever. I really didnt wanna leave.

I was mentally active but physically beat. It's okay, though. I see now how my geeky nature works best. In the afternoon! :) Gone are the times where I'd stay up late at night cramming words into my brain, which I forget all too easily. I've decided to do my best and as for the rest; I want to let go and let God.

A verse I always keep in mind:

"It is useless to work so hard for a living,
getting up early and going to bed late.
For the Lord provides for those he loves,
while they are asleep."
- Psalms 127:2

Well, today's a really good day! That sticks with me, some of the information :) Sorry! But here's what I will tell you...

I bought lemons after my Physics class ended! I also bought vanilla extract. Now I shall not suffer a shortage of vanilla extract, like I did a few weeks ago as I was making chocolate pudding. You know what this means? I get to bake tomorrow! Cant wait! :D

conquering the kitchen... specifically the oven

I have a hankering to bake! I've been feeling this way since three weeks ago, when I started to surf the internet for recipes. I'm addicted to this new practice, now. I guess it's a good thing my brother dismantled the remote. I wont have to be glued to the tv and AFC. I might just come up with more baking ideas.

The fact that I am very busy makes it harder for me to find the time and ingredients. This is where I wish I was in Form 4 again. I used to be a cupcake factory, to Michelle at least :)

One of my classmates brought a big plastic jar of meringue cookies today! I remember my eyes bulging out of their sockets first thing in the morning as I passed by the table; the empty table with no one watching, tempted to steal! But, no, must resist. Patience gave me a free pass to the meringue cookies, anyway. Well, Cassie too, who practically screamed, "Hey, I want meringue! Give me the meringue!" Oh, it was heavenly!

And now I have this crazy hankering to make some meringue. I'm thinking meringue pie... Tiny meringue pies. You can put the whole thing in your mouth, if you wish. Yes, that's the one...

I just need to find the time !