Too Much

Hello! I havent posted in a while, I see that. I've been busy.

Okay, that was a lie.

I have not been busy. I've been away from the internet, is all.

It's family tradition that we (my family and I) stay in kampung for Christmas.

It's about an hour drive from Kuching, so I did take a trip back here to visit Rachel. Melinda came over to my house before the two of us went off to Ray's. Mel was driving and honestly, I was a little scared that day. Why? Well, here's an equation we should all learn.

Melinda + car with automatic gear + Taylor Swift music

= World's Most Dangerous Driver!

Okay, let's not get sidetracked here. I dont want Mel to think I'm actually taking this time to blog about her as she so greatly wished.

Anyway, I've come to realise how much free time I have in my hands. That is too much. To be honest, I dont quite like it because it makes me feel like a sloth, since I have nothing to do. I really dont like feeling like a sloth. I love having things to do and being busy (not too busy), so, I've made a few plans in my head (and in my phone, just in case I forget). I sure hope everything works well!

I'm looking forward to 2011. Arent you?

It's going to be an exciting new year!

with hearts wide open

Hello, there! I'm back in Kuching. I spent 3 days and 2 nights in Santubong Resort with my little brother, my close friends and a large group of people I've never met before. I had an amazing experience!

This was my first time joining the EBC Youth Camp. Thank you so much for inviting me, Theresa! I brought my brother along with me and yeah, he wasnt too happy about it at first until he met Sebastian, a friend from school. Then, came Jordan, another friend from school.

Honestly, I was hesitant about going, even though I registered weeks before. On the night of my last exam, I thought about calling Theresa and telling her I didnt feel like going anymore, with an excuse of needing rest after SPM. Ridiculous, really. But I thought I would just give it a chance, even when, in my mind I didnt think anything could touch me anymore, as if I have had enough.

This camp proved me wrong. So, so wrong because two amazing things happened to me on our last night there. I received my second gift and perhaps, a third one too. The Holy Spirit touched me, again and again, despite the fact that I had a slight fever that night.

I've never prayed over anyone before because I've always lacked confidence. I didnt think my prayers could move anyone and I didnt think I could ever be a vessel of Christ. I knew how to pray in tongues since I received the gift when I was fifteen, but I still felt insecure about my prayers. That night, when Pastor Ben called out those who felt left out and were not touched by the Holy Spirit, I saw my brother walked up. It made my heart leap in joy, I was so proud of him for longing for something in God. But at the same time, I was scared because, well, my brother's heart is as hard as a rock. He had always had a tough time letting go.

Pastor Ben and the committee members started praying over this group of people. I could see that there were two guys praying over my brother. Sebastian and Mark. I was standing in the corner, praying quietly for him but I could sense that he was still holding back. I was so worried and I had this strong urge to walk up and pray over him. I was so scared, but I did it anyway. I guess when he heard my voice, he stopped being so tensed. So many strong words came out of my lips and my brother started crying and was slowly letting go. When I ran out of words to say, I prayed in tongues. Even so, I could feel that my brother was still holding back. I then told him it's okay to let go and it's okay to fall because Jesus will catch you. Before I even finished my sentence, he was already on the ground.

I stared at him and thought, "What did I just do?". I didnt know what to think but I was thankful that my brother was finally touched by the Holy Spirit. I ran to Theresa and hugged her. She prayed over me and told me that I shouldnt be scared about what I had done because I was now a vessel and the spiritual bond I have with my brother is now stronger.

The second amazing thing was the fact that I received the gift of vision. When I was on the ground, begging God to show me something, begging to see His face and begging to feel him, a vision about one of the guys in the camp flashed in my mind. It was strange because I didnt even know him. This person was Joshua. The vision was a beautiful one, but sad and a little scary at the same time. I was so scared to walk up to Joshua to tell him about it but I knew that the message should be delivered. I was really scared because I didnt know this guy and I didnt know how he would react. Thankfully, I built up the courage to tell him about it by the end of the night and he told me that it was like an answered prayer. I was surprised, really.

Our tags were right, we are "never the same again".

freedom, finally.

I sat for EST papers this morning. And now, I am officially free! No more SPM and no more high school.

Well, technically, I'm still a high school student, according to our principal who refuses to hand us our certificates until the results are out next year. But hey, I dont have to wake up early every morning and put on a uniform anymore. So, yes, I've hit the jackpot!

To all my friends who will be sitting for Bible Knowledge papers tomorrow, I'm keeping you guys in my prayers, remember that ;)

Anyway, I'll be leaving for church camp on the 17th. My brother is tagging along too. I've a feeling he doesnt remember this so I really pray he doesnt freak out, like the last time mum signed him up for a camp.

It's going to be a fun holiday! I'm very happy now that my high school life has come to an end. No tears here, just random spastic acts whenever I think of my freedom. Haha! I dont know what I'm going to do next. I dont want to plan anything for now. I'll just go with the flow and enjoy myself while I still can.

If I were an insect, this stage of my life would be an instar and there is zero growth. I'm loving this instar stage right now! xD

Of God And Human Beings

Man calls sin an accident, God calls it an abomination.

Man calls sin a blunder, God calls it blindness.

Man calls sin a chance, God calls it a choice.

Man calls sin a defect, God calls it a disease.

Man calls sin an error, God calls it enmity.

Man calls sin fascination, God calls it a fatality.

Man calls sin infirmity, God calls it iniquity.

Man calls sin luxury, God calls is lawlessness.

Man calls sin a trifle, God calls it tragedy.

Man calls sin a mistake, God calls it madness.

Man calls sin a weakness, God calls it willfulness.

- Anon

a taste of my addiction

Well, hello! :D

Yes, it's been a while since I last blogged. SPM is almost over. I said almost because I still have to sit for EST papers next Wednesday. But hey, that doesnt stop me from enjoying my temporary freedom.

I've been spending my time playing The Sims 3. I spent a lot of time doing just that, actually. Some people, (I'm talking about you, Mel) dont understand what it is about the game that I get so hooked to.

I used to tell people I'm a control freak and I love the fact that I get to control people in the game. Or that I love being "god" and constructing faces. Well, that's partly true. Haha! But I guess the real reason is that I still want to play house. Since I've given away all my dolls and dollhouses a long time ago, The Sims 3 is the best substitute. I mean, TS3 is the most amazing game ever created! (to me, at least) It takes playing-house to a whole new level.

Plus, I get to pretend I'm an architect and build houses of my dream. (Yes, I did just say "houses") Haha! You have no idea how much I wish I could be in the game just to walk around the houses I built. Anyway, here are pictures from my current game! :D

By the beach :D

Hey, the baby's biting the bear

I dont know what she's smiling about. She does this all the time...

Look, he's all excited!

will you lend me a healing hand?

My back hurt really bad yesterday, I couldnt pay much attention to the words I was supposed to read in the history book. So, I decided to turn in early and went to bed.

Woke up this morning and felt like crying. I hate mornings like that. I stretched here and there but still no relief. I finally got up and brushed my teeth. While I was at it, I let myself think I was fine and there was no back pain. My body believed it for a second, so I managed to study while mum and dad read the newspapers. But an hour later, it was again, hard to study. The pain came back :(

Everyone was busy then and I had to massage my own back. Sad. It was hard and weird but I got used to it. Thank God for ketoprofen gels!

I can always massage my own back and shoulders but here's the thing, I cant keep stopping and squeeze my super stiff shoulders every time I write essays during the exams. And I have essays for every subject. Three weeks of exam sounds really crazy when I think of my back.

Sometimes I wish I could cut myself up, take my scoliotic spine out of my body and stretch it out with my bare hands. Okay, I know I know. Enough morbid thoughts. Darn you, physical pain.

I'm going insane here. I need Sheryl's magical healing hands.

Wait, no. God, I need yours!

"People talk of the sacrifices I have made in spending so much of my life in Africa.
Can that be called a sacrifice which simply pays back a small part of the great debt we owe God?
Is anything a sacrifice when it brings its own blessed reward in a healthful activity, consciousness of doing good, peace of mind, and a bright hope of a glorious destiny?
Away with such a thought.
It's not sacrifice- it's a privilege."

- David Livingstone -

always will be

Yesterday, mum kind of hurt my feelings. She saw me walking down the stairs and blurted out, "You're like a kid, Pip." I stopped and asked, "What?" and she went, "Nothing. I cant imagine how you would survive in college."

Ouch, mum. I really didnt understand where all that came from, so I asked again, "What do you mean I'm like a kid? What is it about me that makes you say that?"

"I dont know. You're just such a kid. I'm afraid you dont know how to take care of yourself if you leave this place."

Wow. How random and painful can such words be. I never get hurt whenever my friends or my sister say things about me. But when it comes down to my mum, every criticism and every comment that comes from her lips would affect me greatly. I cant tell how many times before have I been broken down from listening to her words. Her words matter so much to me, no matter how painful or how pleasing they may be. I always believe in them.

I always forgive her in the end, though, because I'm sure she forgets sometimes, that I am over-sensitive and emotionally fragile. It must be hard to be the mother of a child like me, but whenever I tell her how unappreciated I feel, she would always say, "You dont know how much you mean to me, Pip. If I could have ten of you, I would."

After talking to Mel about it, I understand now where all those words came from yesterday. It must have been really scary for mum to hear me say, "I want to get out of here for college." Mel told me, "She's a mum. I think all mums would lock their kids in the house and never let them go if they had the choice. At least I know I would."

Mum must have finally realised that I'm growing up and I'm leaving high school behind. She wouldnt have to wake me up early in the morning or drive me to school anymore. There would be a high possibility that I would leave home and be on my own. A high possibility that she wouldnt see me around as much as she did before. The fear she had for my sister; she would have to go through again with me.

I guess I will always be a little kid in her mind. But I do see that her trust in me continues to grow as time goes by. She let me drive yesterday, for the first time, without her or dad in the car. Traffic was really busy yesterday, I only had my brother with me and I was not confident at all. But she believed in me and that was all that matters.

So, to make things a little easier, I'll let you say anything you want about me, mummy.
You can say I'm childish, clumsy or irresponsible even if it werent true.
I'll let you treat me like a kid because I know,
I will always be just that in your mind.
But I wouldnt mind it at all.
I'm a little kid to the best mum in the world :)

boom de ah dah

My days go by just about the same lately. So many books and so many words, but evenings are my favourite. They're filled with Discovery Channel, Nat Geo Wild and Animal Planet. I cant tell you how addicted I am to flipping these channels over and over again. These songs are constantly stuck in my head. My favourite commercials! :D





Dont you just feel like smiling when you hear them? I know I do!

eyes for better reasons

To look is one thing.
To see what you look at is another.
To understand what you see is a third.
To learn from what you understand
is still something else.
But to act on what you learn
is all that really matters.

-Bits and Pieces-

Just like jam and bread

That's right, another update! ;) This is for a special someone.

Melinda didnt go to school today because she had to take her driver's test. When school ended, I texted her to know how it went. She told me that she had a whack road tester who doesnt like her. Unbelievable. How can anyone not like you, Melly? I need to see this whack road tester of yours so I can give him/her a solid whack in the head. Maybe I'll use the family "parang". Show em' how we settle things around here. Nobody messes with the headhunters!

On another note, Mel and I made a deal last Saturday. We promised we would each sing a song which reminds us of one another. Monday arrived soon enough. Mel sang first. Guess what song reminded her of me? Paramore's Only Exception. Odd, indeed. Apparently, I was her only exception. I sang her the theme song for Accidentally On Purpose. It really suits our little friendship.

"We go together just like jam and bread
or maybe birds of a feather!"

I hope you still have that little note I gave you, Mel. The one with the lyrics on it. Now, every time you watch that show, you will think of me. And you're absolutely right. Every time I hear Only Exception on the radio, I think of you! Yes, I'd have a smile on my face. Mum thinks I'm crazy every time I do that. But Melly, for you I will (you know that)

"So leng lui, oh!"

P.S. I wished you were with us to spend our Last Tuesday In School Day. Cass, Angela and I walked around school as if we were dramatically saying our goodbyes. Of course, we did kind of laughed at the stack of textbooks the kids still have to carry.

the best meat to ever grace a kitchen

In the past days, I've made and attempted many things in the kitchen. What a weird addiction I'm developing. I'm really loving the art of baking and cooking. Baking, mostly. Cooking, only when I have the house all to myself and I'm asked to make my own dinner.

I dont mind, really. I get very excited whenever I get the chance to experiment in the kitchen. But, I dont like it when people watch me, especially not my mum or brother. They make me nervous, it feels as if Gordon Ramsay was watching me cook. (I'd have to admit, he's pretty funny when he's mad. I mean, do you see how red he gets?)

Last Tuesday, when two big cartons of eggs arrived,
Mum: Ah, now you can bake until you go nuts and never run out of eggs.
Me: Haha. Maybe I should be a chef, since you dont want me to be a vet and all.
Kavan: Yes! You should be a chef. We can be chefs, together! *gets really excited*
Me: I'm thinking pastry chef, I dont think I would survive as a station chef because I'm such a perfectionist, I work really slow, just cutting onions.
Kavan: Okay. You, the pastry chef. I'll be the chef chef. (yes, he actually said that. funny brother of mine)

I immediately made cupcakes that day, after mum got out to buy some butter. When I stayed home alone (I seem to always be alone, lately), I made onion soup for dinner.

I knew I was going to have a good time today, when I signed up for an alone time again. Mum was busy out and about, getting things set up and ready for her kindergarten's concert. Dad and Kavan went off to kampung. I decided to stay home, and study. When I got tired of that, I attempted to make custard to top the leftover cupcakes. It didnt work out so well because I didnt put enough sugar in the custard and it tasted more like egg than anything.

There were still some egg whites left aside in a bowl on the kitchen counter (I needed 2 egg yolks to make the custard). So, I decided I'd have omellete for dinner. I raided the refrigerator for thing's I'd want to stuff in my omellete. Found exactly what I wanted!

The pork and potato omellete I made and ate.


Oh, the melted cheese inside!


I'm having one of the best Sundays in my life :D

distractions aside

To friends who have found me missing from Facebook, sorry I havent told you guys. I deactivated my account. This is only temporary, dont worry. I'll be back on December 8th. Yes, I still have another paper to sit for, EST, which is on the 15th. I'll have about eight days to revise, so nope, Facebook wont be such a distraction then.

I'm surviving pretty well without it, so far. Feels great actually, not having much to do online, apart from checking my emails for some homework and blogging about things in life.

Speak of things in life, I've got wonderful news!

My dear sister will be back this Thursday! Teehee. I cant wait. It's been pretty long. But, I must warn you, sis. Dont tempt me with The Sims 3. Okay, okay. I know you wont, but please please stop me if I ever ask for it. Even if I say, "Only for an hour" and even if it's the weekends. Dont let me. (Oh, this is going to be tough!)

But never mind. It will be worth it :)

I have exactly 15 days to SPM

Almost over

Being one of the school seniors, I am happy to say that I have only a week of school to attend :)
One of my friends, Emily in particular (you know what that means, Mel) suggested we skip a day of school on our last week. I havent put a thought on that yet. Already skipped yesterday, which was out of plan. Dont think I want to skip next week.

Why?

Well, because I'd like to spend as much time with everyone as I possibly can before everyone runs off when SPM starts. Trust me, we wont have time to meet up and talk or laugh together when that battle is in the process. I still am not anxious about it. I'm not saying I'm ready (because I most certainly am not, at least not right now), but I'm calm. Then again, I'm always calm about exams. It's nice :) Sometimes I think it's cool.

Hehe.

SPM will be my last school exam. Off I go, then, to the real world when it is over. Exciting!

Cant wait for the day I'd say, "It is finished," in a British accent, like a lycan in Underworld.

I'll take that as a compliment

I was never fond of my current school, perhaps because it was not an environment I grew up studying in, what with it being an all-girl school and all. I remember the day I first walked its grounds (exactly 32 months ago), I kept longing for the day I would leave. Everything was uncomfortable for me; the classrooms, the girls, the tomboys, the absence of boys, the food. Everything. I never thought I would survive the short past years. I was so used to being in a co-ed school and now, this sudden change? But I did and I kinda like it.

One time, C screamed in class and asked if anyone has a pad. I immediately thought to myself, "Never in a co-ed school would you ever hear that one!"

Everyone has an open mind and everyone is comfortable being who they are, and by "who they are" I mean being a girl and going through what girls go through, without ever feeling embarrassed :)

How I've changed since St. Teresa?

For starters, I have adopted the act of aimless hugging. Believe it or not, I was always uncomfortable with hugging or holding hands or anything that requires the sense of touch when it comes to expressing feelings. I would always use my words; the old-fashion way. I had a somewhat 'cold' heart and now, the heart has melted. And I cant stop hugging!

I am spiritually stronger. I'm surrounded, everyday, by friends who have close relationships with God. These people are not even the slightest bit ashamed of it. What moves me, really, is the fact that we are of different religions and we openly talk about it together. I have Muslim friends who are always genuinely happy to hear me talk about the miracles I've heard, read about or have seen. All this makes me feel blessed because racism doesnt rise here.

I learned to speak my mind. I used to always bottle things up. Now, I stopped holding them in and letting them eat me up. Instead, I let them out and I let go, which is a lot healthier, I must say. Especially since I'm an over-sensitive and emotionally fragile person. I still do cry, but crying is good too; it's another way of letting go :)

Most importantly, I am more of a girl than I ever have been. I dont think that would make much sense to anyone but myself. I cant really explain it but I do know that I'm beginning to love girly things that I used to despise before. Oh, dresses!

I plan to hunt for a yellow dress this Christmas.
Cant wait!

Take it away, Father

It's November. SPM is so close. But that's not what I'm worrying about.

It's the aftermath.

What am I going to do? Where am I going to go?

A week ago, I was in the car with dad...
D: I checked out Unimas this afternoon. They have a new campus. For matriculation.
P: Oh, how is it?
D: It's really nice there. You should take it. Matriculation in Unimas.
P: And study what?
D: Medicine.

sigh...

Two nights ago, when I was with mum and Kavan...
P: Mummy, where do you want me to go?
M: What are you saying?
P: College, university. Where do you want me to go?
M: I want you stay to close to me. UiTM or Unimas

sigh...

"Why, where do you wanna go?"

Honestly, I dont quite know. But I know I dont want to study in UiTM or Unimas. They dont offer the course my heart longs for. I really dont want to be forced into studying Medicine. Just reading about medical courses on websites of every local universities made me feel like flunking because I have no interest in it at all. (This coming from a person who would do anything not to flunk)

I spent the whole morning checking out university websites and whatnot. It's very frustrating. Can I just sit around and let God decide which college I should go to? That sounds a lot more comforting.

I trust You. So, take it away, Father :)

Time

We were at a relative's house last night, attending a rosary prayer for my dad's cousin whose recent passing was caused by liver cancer. He was only 34 and he only knew about this illness two months ago. His passing was quite a shocking news, and though we were always busy, daddy made sure we went for a visit, even just once.

We werent close relatives, I dont blame anyone for that. There are many of us, scattered here and there and all over Kuching. So, it would be pretty normal for me to meet people along the way; a classmate for a year or someone I frequently say hi to would one day come up to me and say, "Hey, do you know that we're cousins?" But anyway, here I go, running out of topic again. Let's get back to this.

As everyone bowed their heads and prayed together, my mind wandered off, reminiscing my hard time in the hospital two years ago. The one moment I could never erase from my memory. The painful near-death experience. Most of family members didnt know this, not my dad, not my siblings, no one except my mum who was there to witness it. But she didnt know what was really going on inside. I decided to tell her when the prayer ended, my brother listened too.

I asked mum if she remembered the time at the hospital I screamed non-stop. The time when blood and liquid quickly gushed out through the tiny tube that was inserted in my lung and made it hurt so bad to breathe. She nodded. I then asked, "Do you remember when I told you I wanted to give up and hold my breath until I fade away?" Mum nodded and said that it scared her then. I knew it must have, but here comes the awful truth.

I did give up. Multiple times.

I held my breath for as long as I could and hoped I would fade away. I would repeatedly beg God to take me away, and then screamed when I realised He wouldnt do it. But I would do it all over again. Hold my breath and beg.

I think it was the fifth time I did this, that I really searched for God. I begged Him to end this misery, to end this pain in my chest which felt like rocks were literally crushing in on my lung. I then asked God to give me a reason to live.

When I closed my eyes, God immediately gave me an answer. No, He gave me answers. I was bombarded with millions of reasons to live. The first being my mother, and the rest of my family members. Second being my friends. These people meant a lot to me. The third being my studies, which was so important to me. I then wondered why I worked so hard in my life. That question was immediately answered, too.

I worked so hard because I believed I was meant to save animals, I really wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted it so much, I dedicated my life towards reaching that goal, despite what my parents thought of it. All I needed was God, and God I had by my side the entire time. But there I was, laying in the hospital bed, so desperate to give up on life. A life I wasnt done living.

There were so many things I have not done, so many places I have not seen. I have not experienced college life. I have not experienced adulthood. Never was I in a relationship. Never was I marrried. Never was I able to build a family. Never did I get the chance to figure out my purpose. I was only fifteen. I had a long way to go. I needed to keep chasing my dreams. I needed not to give up.

It was then I decided to fight what I know now as the hardest battle in my life. I breathed even when breathing meant I would have to feel the excruciating pain in my chest. I'd scream after every single breath I took, which I realised scared my mum. I decided to stop screaming even when that was all I wanted to do. I groaned instead. I didnt want mum to know how much pain I was in. I closed my eyes and pretended I was calm and asleep, when the truth of the matter is, I was still fighting and struggling. That went on for almost an hour, still, the pain would not go away and I was still short on breath.

By God's grace, I managed to pull through. Here I am, now. I've never been so in love with God. I used to think that Scoliosis was a curse but I now see it as a blessing. A tool that made me stronger and the person I am now. That incident shook me from my ignorance. If God did not put me through such a hard time, I never would appreciate life as much as I do now.

It took me a painful experience to realise this. I hope no one would need such pain to open up their eyes. Life is a gift from God which should never be taken for granted. It really is hard to die when you know you have not lived.

sufferings

We had Bible Study at youth this week. It was about "Sufferings". It was a hard but deep and meaningful topic. I wished the world could have been there to listen. But anyway, here's what we learned and well, some of my own views too.

The question that was frequently asked was, "Is God the source of our sufferings?"
The answer to that is no, He is not the source of suffering, but He allows it to happen.
Now rises the ever so popular question, "What kind of God would allow such thing?" God has a purpose. We read in John 9:1-7, God allowed a man to be blind so His work could be seen through this man. Those words came from Jesus' lips, but never did he say that God was to blame.

When bad things happen, we often find ourselves say, "Why me? What did I do wrong?". Well, we dont have to sin in order to suffer. It is not because of our sin or our father's sin that causes us to suffer, neither is it any of our ancestors' fault. When we suffer, it's easier to find blame in someone or in God, rather than to see the good that comes with the suffering. Everyone suffers. It could be a test of faith or a blessing in disguise, who knows, but it is up to us to decide what to make of it.

Almost everyone takes a suffering as a bad thing. No one really sees the greater good in it. But when we were asked to describe what happens to a person if he never had to suffer or face any problem in life, if he was "perfect" in every way, each and everyone of us used negative words like unappreciative, complacent, ignorant, ungrateful and it goes along that line, which I believe is all true.

If you never had to suffer, how could you possibly tell if your life is good when you dont even know the difference? You would most probably end up taking for granted everyone and everything around you. When you lose them, this would be your first suffering, and with such naivety, how are you able to handle this?

So, suffering is not necessarily punishment. It should bring hope to surface (Romans 5:3-5). It should drive us closer to God. It should make us stronger, not bring us down. Have you ever thought of it this way; If God didnt think you could pull through, why would He let such a thing happen to you? He knows what you're capable of, He knows your strength. And with that knowledge, He only allows sufferings of which you are strong enough to endure. And you'll see how strong a person you really are when you do :)

medically speaking, i'm a fragile person

Tuesday made me realise that I cant study for long hours without a rest.

So, I had a very unproductive morning that day. (Just like every other morning, lately) When I got home, I decided I wasnt going to take a nap until I completed my tasks. I was hyper anyway, so that helped me focus. Sure, I did occasionally burst into song while hitting the calculator buttons. It's a funny habit, I tend to sing when I do Addmath. I'm in love with the subject!

I completed everything by 4.50pm and took a shower right away, to get ready for my tuition class that night. I did steal a ten-minute nap in the car. Best ten minutes of my life! Haha!

The pain hit me after, though. While I was in tuition, happily doing my work. My back ached like it never ached before. It started to distract me, so I took a bathroom break, stretched myself and went back to work. Still, I wanted to go on forever. I really didnt wanna leave.

I was mentally active but physically beat. It's okay, though. I see now how my geeky nature works best. In the afternoon! :) Gone are the times where I'd stay up late at night cramming words into my brain, which I forget all too easily. I've decided to do my best and as for the rest; I want to let go and let God.

A verse I always keep in mind:

"It is useless to work so hard for a living,
getting up early and going to bed late.
For the Lord provides for those he loves,
while they are asleep."
- Psalms 127:2

Well, today's a really good day! That sticks with me, some of the information :) Sorry! But here's what I will tell you...

I bought lemons after my Physics class ended! I also bought vanilla extract. Now I shall not suffer a shortage of vanilla extract, like I did a few weeks ago as I was making chocolate pudding. You know what this means? I get to bake tomorrow! Cant wait! :D

conquering the kitchen... specifically the oven

I have a hankering to bake! I've been feeling this way since three weeks ago, when I started to surf the internet for recipes. I'm addicted to this new practice, now. I guess it's a good thing my brother dismantled the remote. I wont have to be glued to the tv and AFC. I might just come up with more baking ideas.

The fact that I am very busy makes it harder for me to find the time and ingredients. This is where I wish I was in Form 4 again. I used to be a cupcake factory, to Michelle at least :)

One of my classmates brought a big plastic jar of meringue cookies today! I remember my eyes bulging out of their sockets first thing in the morning as I passed by the table; the empty table with no one watching, tempted to steal! But, no, must resist. Patience gave me a free pass to the meringue cookies, anyway. Well, Cassie too, who practically screamed, "Hey, I want meringue! Give me the meringue!" Oh, it was heavenly!

And now I have this crazy hankering to make some meringue. I'm thinking meringue pie... Tiny meringue pies. You can put the whole thing in your mouth, if you wish. Yes, that's the one...

I just need to find the time !

soundtracks to our lives

Thursday, I came to school earlier than I recently have. As I was taking that long walk to my classroom, I chased after Jay, who was a good 7 meters away from me. The girl walks fast. I was tired of walking really fast, so I decided to chirp repeatedly, hoping I would capture her attention. I did! :D She turned and gave me this look which practically said I'm crazy for having the energy to do this this time of day.

We both went to Science 3 after that. Jay wanted to see if Theresa was around and I, well, I just love being around Ray, Theresa, Sheryl and I could go on and say all their names, but I dont have the typing skills, so I wont :)

Theresa wasnt there, yet (we hoped). I dont know how we started talking about Jared Leto and how shocked we were to find him with a pink mohawk. We all agreed it looked pretty cool, though.

Ray never knew this until we mentioned it. I told her I first saw the mohawk in their video but forgot how the song went. She asked me for the title and all I could come up with was, "Something the edge". Ray went straight to rockstar mode and sang it out. Oh, dear God, I love Ray. "Closer to the edge!", she stopped and excitedly screamed the title out. And we went yeahh that's it!

She started talking about this other 30 Seconds to Mars track which she loves, This Is War. She told me to listen to it. She said she could just drown in it every time but in a good way, it was like the soundtrack to her life. She could feel herself standing in a crowd of people and the band is playing just a few feet from her.

Soundtracks to our lives. I was reminded of my own. Jimmy Eat World's Work. She started jumping out of her seat and went, "Oh I remember that song, it's so good. How did it go again?" We spent the next few minutes trying to sing it. We finally got it when Sheryl arrived and asked, "What are you guys trying to sing?" Hahaha...

Well, here, I'll show you both of ours :)


This is War by 30 Seconds to Mars. I knew Ray has such great taste in music. We both love them without having one another to instill that love. (You know how some only love a certain kind of music after a friend tells them to) Doesnt happen here. It's one of the reasons why we're so close :)



Work by Jimmy Eat World. This song puts a smile on my face every time I listen to it, from start to finish. I could close my eyes and listen to the sound of the guitar in the intro and you'll see a smile carved on my face. The lyrics, make me reminisce the good times I had in Miri. I miss it and this song brings it all back somehow.

So, what's the soundtrack to your life? ;)

since your full attention is all mine

This is a warning to my dear class teacher; I'm tempted to skip school again. Sorry, Miss, but I really dont want to spend my morning in a place where I cant even stick my head in my Chemistry book for more than 5 seconds without being distracted by the many events that occur around me. It gets me anxious, especially since SPM is only days away and my brain is slowly losing the information it gained in the past years.

Speak of SPM, mock is over and we all got our results. Well, except our BM essays. The adorably funny lady loves taking her time. Improvements, I see, every time I get my papers. This is good :) But my Physics isnt as good as it was in the last term, though. Someone mentioned the paper that was set being "not a good one". I'll take that. Haha! I have two papers with A- and by A- i mean, 79%. Do you see now why I'm so agitated by it? I cant seem to find the one mark that could get me 80%, an even number! Things like these make me obsessive compulsive.

My friends do the funniest things whenever we are about to receive our papers. It's pretty normal for them to threaten one another if the other gets a better result. But dont get me started with Angela and the things she'd wanna do while waiting for her paper. Let's just say, she loses control of her bladder. It sometimes affect me, too!

Mel practically went missing the whole week. Tuesday's an exception, since I had to give her a call at 5am to make sure she wakes up. I would do that everyday, Melly, if calls were made free. I let myself run out of credit for you. Now, you need to give me a call right after you read this. I want to hear all about the people who made you smile today :)

I was just watching a video by A Rocket To The Moon.
I now want colourful paper lanterns...

"maybe I'm Mr. Right, maybe I'm the one you like"

the hands of time can never move again

It's Monday and I'm not in school. Well, it's not typical Phoby to skip school but I was really not in the mood of being there when teachers dont teach anymore and all we do is sit around, talking endlessly about nothing.

Even when I do try to study on my own, the world gets louder and tempts me. I'm no good with temptations lately.

Plus, I refuse to bring home any more of Mel's or Jay's test papers as they love to skip school and leave me sitting alone with empty tables on both sides. You see, the three of us sit in the middle row where there are three tables and well, I sit right in the middle of the two. Use your imagination and you'll see why my classmates would always go, "Aiee, Phoebe's alone again."
But I thank God for Cass, Gladys and Angela who are rarely missing though :)

On another note, I had a really bad day yesterday. One of the worst. It just went on from day to night. Gave me a major headache. I prayed almost every waking hour I was there. Thankfully enough, I was able to control my tongue when confronted. I love you, Father :)

When I finally got home, I decided to make chocolate pudding. One that remains soft and rich even after days of refrigeration. And so I did! Watched I Love You, Man and Sorority Row right before I went to bed. That made me feel better.

I awoke today to the thought of chocolate pudding and banana milkshake. Here I am, having just that for breakfast. I'm in love...

I've a feeling it's gonna be a good day :)

In You

When I was cleaning up my room about two weeks ago, I found this piece of paper with drawings of the cross on it. And there were writings too; my handwriting.

It all looked so familiar and I realised it was a song I wrote at the beginning of the year. I dont normally write songs as I am musically impaired and like my sister once said, I'm tone-deaf. Haha. But yes, I do sing when I'm alone or when I'm around my friends and feeling happy.

This was the first song I wrote and it was for God. I guess that's what made it special. It really came from the heart and I like to think I was touched by the Spirit when I wrote this. It may not be perfect, but here's to God :)

I have found my way
I have found a place
That is right here with you
That is right here in your arms

I'm gonna stick here with you
I'm gonna stand up tall
I'm gonna call out your name
Even if they push me and I fall

I'm never gonna break
I'm never gonna break down, I'm never gonna

Cos I am moved in you
I am moved in you
I am moved in you, I am
I'm moved in you

Heehee, it's funny how I actually remember the tune after so long. Dear God, I love you :)

a bear, anyone?

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

your mind is a moment to be stamped

Melinda is constantly hinting that we speak languages other than English. She would always text me in BM after she leaves her BM tuition on Thursdays. I would read them after my Physics class and laugh at my phone while people stare at my insanity. Nice one, Mel.

I cant help but reply in BM. It's a funny habit I cant quit. Now we randomly chat in BM too.

M: Phoebe
P: Yes?
M: Angin kuat. Saya takut. Saya mahu mummy datang.
P: Saya juga takut. Tadi angin buat bising macam hantu.
M: Come selamatkan saya!
P: Kamu selamatkan saya!

But we have not taken this to the 'real' life level, yet. I doubt I would be able to content my laughter. My classmates think I sound very funny when I speak BM or S'wak.

So, Mel, I refuse to let you laugh at me in school for speaking in languages I would only write in.

so long, little one

Kiki passed away yesterday morning. We came home on Wednesday afternoon and Kavan found her laying in the basket of clothes, looking very ill, with saliva flowing out of her mouth. She was shivering. Mummy brought her to the vet right away. It was a viral infection and the vet was afraid it might have spread to her brain already. She was admitted for a night, and the next morning, she was gone.

Fifa searches for her every now and then. He would go to the bathroom, (Kiki used to love going to the bathroom), meow and leave. I guess it was best that mummy payed the SPCA to bury Kiki. We didnt bring her home and let Fifa see her like that. I mean, after what happened to the dogs, (Lemon was depressed when Dottie died, Vodka was depressed when Sammy died) and our last two cats, (Leo was depressed when Milk went missing) who knew what Fifa would be like.

They were pretty close. They'd go everywhere around the house together. Never thought I'd say that since Fifa was so cold towards her in the beginning. But I think Fifa is happy, still. I always make sure he gets all the attention he needs, to keep his mind off his missing friend. I know it may be weird to some, the fact that I treat my pets like humans, but hey they mean a lot to me.

Anyway, as I was cleaning the litter-box, I saw worms in the stool. I quickly told mummy to make sure she gets Fifa checked. I'm worried he might be infected, though he seemed perfectly healthy. Clean and hyper. No weight loss. If anything, he gained weight. It may not affect him in any way but it could be one of those animal diseases that would infect humans, like campylobacter or cryptosporidium or something. And I dont think I need to remind you that I just cleaned the litter-box. I must have come in contact with the stool without noticing it.

Mummy said okay and then started talking about the neighbour's cats that would always come and visit our house (to steal Fifa's food and most probably relieving themselves at his litter-box).

I wonder when shall Fifa see the vet. Let's have a countdown.

the irony

so, appreciate.

so sweet I can hardly speak due to such trauma in my teeth

The first week of mock exam is over. That felt great.

The papers we had this week were good. I have to admit, St. Teresa really knows how to train their students. They give us really hard papers during school exams, and when we face the real thing, it doesnt seem so hard anymore.

I guess there's only one subject I'm not so confident about so far. Wont mention which, but if you know me well enough, you'd know. It's quite funny though!

My back has been killing me. The one thing about exams, is that it gives me really bad back ache. It's nothing like the normal back ache I get everyday, (it does hurt everyday, I just get tired of mentioning it). But this is much worse, affecting both my upper back where the curve is and my lower back where the titanium is. It distracted me during Chemistry tuition yesterday. My surgery side hurt whenever I inhale deeply. Not good when you really need oxygen! Haha.

Well, there's only another week to go. And my spine can give me a rest from all the pain.

But in 59 days, this cycle will start all over again, only this time, in a longer time span. SPM :D
The reason for the smiley isnt because I'm crazy for actually loving the exam, but for feeling extremely excited about what comes after. Freedom!

I'll be leaving school and there is nothing I will miss about it, except my friends. But I can see them anytime I want, so, nope, wont miss a thing!

"It's so close, I can taste it in my tongue"

New Discoveries

Hello :) It's past my bed time. Well, when it's the holiday, do I need bed time? Okay, dont answer that question. I do. My eyes were heavy earlier but my brain is too active to fall asleep now. No, wait, the brain never sleeps. Ah, too much information. Anyway, here are things I've discovered along the way.

>> My entire life I believed my childhood friend was the same age as I was. Turns out, she's a year younger. I thought everyone thought the same way and this was an interesting discovery, but when I told my mum, guess what. "Yeah, she's the same age as Kavan." I cant believe mummy! But anyway, this discovery doesnt change a single way I feel about her. She's really cool :)

>> Melinda Fiona loves to distract herself during Addmath and blames me for it. But the night always ends up with me being the last to finish. Mel, this is how much I love you; I let you bug me for two hours and let you leave me with a calculator down my throat all alone. Heehee, I love addmath! :D

>> My driving instructor is pretty racist. He's very funny, though! You know some say, "when an Iban curses, there's nothing like it." Well, I've discovered the truth in that phrase.

>> I've lost a disgusting amount of weight. No, I'm not the kind of girl who checks her weight all the time and no, I dont like losing weight. It's hard to gain it back. I want it back. I miss having trouble putting on my favorite pair of jeans. Plus, it's no fun having to pull up your pants every 5 minutes (and I dont want new pants).

There are tons more stuff I'd like to post about, but I refuse to remember them right now. So, yes, I'm going to leave you there. Smell you later, stalker.

September Air

When I came to you

You breathed into me

covered me and made me real

So you're the one they call Forever

I could stray and you would find me

I could be lost in long, winding roads

Still you'd find me

The wounds on your hands

made me shiver

yet you still flash a smile

took me in and held me closer

The smallest things you say and do

I'd watch, listen

and I'd tremble

a dozen times a day

But I never get tired of knowing

Some say I'm a fool

But my pride is sheltered

And I am not ashamed

Some say you're not real

And this is all just wishful thinking

But you're so vivid to me

as this reality steals me from my own

I dont ever want to go back

I couldnt leave knowing no greater love

And nothing is greater than this

"no wonder you never finish your work!"

distractions

How do you suppose I study like this?

And now there're two of them.

This is just great...

so what do you say, if the sky turned grey?

I say, bring the rain! It's way too hot here.

Oh hello!

So, holiday. Two weeks. Hmm... I dont like this so far. I cant seem to wake up early. By early, I mean before 7am. And no, I have not touched a book. Well, I have. But I abandon them after ten not-so-productive minutes. This is not good. At all.

I think I should live in the in the stone age, well, a stone age with calculators. But goodbye tv, computers, handphones and everything that separates us from the animals...except our thumbs. I love my thumbs. They're hitchhiker's thumbs :)

So don't feed me to the fire,

and I won't let you down.

narrow gate of mine

The day I stumbled and fell
I hated you.
I let them take over
The anger, the sadness
The doors to these dark feelings,
unlocked.

Hurtful words
left my lips endlessly,
And I threw them at you.
Inside I screamed,
Alone I cried.
Where were you in all this?

I blamed you for this pain
this abnormality, this difference.
But what good could it do?
I didnt feel any less hurt.

Only when you truly let me endure
The pain of losing my own life
did I realise how bad I wanted it
How much I needed you,
And I need you still.

You gave me strength
I had always begged for
and thought was never granted.
My feet wouldnt be on this ground
If you werent the one
I believe in.

One year, eight months and twenty one days ago
I could've faded away.

You gave me courage to fight the hardest battle.
Though my lungs were almost done,
I wasnt.

This one-man army is yours
For I was a soldier, armed with your love.
And I am thankful now
for every bit of painful blessing
you decide to put me through.

Dear God, I love you.

A surrender

So you've come for me,
after devouring another.
knowing my sense of resistance is just as weak
Perhaps, I am weaker.

I let you have the best of me,
Maybe it was not the best decision made
Or was I just another slave to your words?

Temptations you present me.
and I spin dizzily in your arms,
as the castles I built in skies
were made visible.

But this has to end, I know
You're only temporary
And you'll disappear in a second.

Your hands I must let go
But saying no leaves me troubled.
So let go of mine,
and let me be
Free of your selfish grasp.

the shackles on my wrists

ambivalent to the core

a girl, you made me.
i run closer with alacrity
only to find hindrance and,
left i lay beleaguered.

all this does,
it begets misery.
but never are you
to this besotted soul,
a bete noire.

for no airy promises made.
to stop you,
this slips from my grasp.
i can only ponder
with not a right to question
the lilt in your voice that lingers.

but i will not drown in avarice
for thankfully still,
these altruistic prayers stand perpetual
like the shackles on my wrists
and the shadow that follows.

i then begin to grow fond of
an austerity
in which i willingly place my heart.

just a dream this will be

facing ignorance
i seem to always
stumble upon a problem

it's a fear maybe
i have not learn to know

subconsciously, i see
in great ignorance
they dwell around me

when the loneliness ceases to subside
it pains deeply then

and so decides the heart
alone i stand
in a world of false pretense

Today...

We have a cat.

Or, a kitten. You may call it that.

We named him Fifa.

Daddy calls him Ganja.

Mummy strangled daddy for calling him Ganja.

We have to put Fifa/Ganja in a cage outside.

Now I'm scared he would get phobia.

National Service = very funny

and I'm not being sarcastic at all! It really is funny. I cant stop laughing after seeing this.

My closest friends would know why I am very happy about getting chosen xD

An epic final

And the 2010 FIFA World Cup goes to...

SPAIN !

I woke up at 2.45a.m. and ran downstairs. Daddy was already seated in front of the tv, giving me one of his goofy smiles. He beat me to the tv, it seems. Haha! We did this twice. See who wakes up first. I beat him during the Germany-Spain match. 20 minutes passed and daddy ran downstairs and looked at me, "Why didnt you wake daddy up?" Hahahaha!

Well, the final match was a crazy one! No one should have missed it. Even if you hate Netherlands, for whatever reason I still cant come up with. Even if you hate Spain for beating Germany, or for beating Portugal (haha, Kavan!). Even if you hate Paul, the 'psychic' octopus for all his right predictions. I still dont know how the creature does it but I have a bad feeling about him. My theory? Paul has mastered the logic of probability, which many of us took for granted. It makes perfect sense. And I refuse to believe he has any sort of psychic ability. Now, Ray, quit telling me it's the tentacles...

I never thought Spain would come this far. Yes, I'm a very loyal fan but really, who would've thought? I was scared when they were going against Portugal. I didnt watch that match. Haha! Nights before that, Ashley told me, "We're going to make Cristiano Ronaldo cry. Cry, baby. Cry!" And she was right! Oh, Ashley, you made my day. I love those red and yellow nails of yours, by the way.

So here Spain was, in the final. Oh, the suspense. First half, no goal. Second half, no goal. 90 minutes passed and still no goal. I went around my head trying to think of what should happen next. Extra time! Or... If I had let my imagination come true... Rematch! And the world cup shall not end today. I wish that were the case. But extra time, it is. First half of extra time, still. no. goal. What is this?

Me: Dude, this is a freakin crazy final!
Gurjit: I know! And I'm loving it!

But after Netherlands was short of a player, since Stekelenburg got a red card, haha, Spain finally scored! Go, Iniesta. And to think he was crazy from the beginning. Poor guy kept falling. Not a minute after he got up, a Dutch trips him back down. I feel for you, Andres. But you didnt have to push him.

I gotta admit though, the match was hilarious. Commentator has got a way with words. The bald referee (so everyone calls him) must be tired of pulling the yellow card too many times. Those Dutch players tipped me off. Rough play. And Sneijder! He should have gotten a red card for kicking Alonso in the chest with his boot. Why would you have your foot up that high anyway? I've got my eyes on you, Sneijder. I'm not over this.

If I had to pick a favorite, (off the Spanish squad) in this match, it would be Iker Casillas. I love you so much today, Casillas. Amazing goalie. Nice save. I mean, saves. Fernando Torres, on the other hand, was a disappointment. David Villa made way for him to get in to the pitch only to have Torres enlighten the Netherlands' fans with his hamstring -_-"
I need not to say more.

But I am very very very happy for the win! Teehee! Went to school with a huge smile on my face. I sure did annoy my anti-Spain classmates. They were so depressed. I went to Science 3 to watch Christina and her gang celebrate. Haha! More Spain supporters in that class. Loud supporters, I must say. Very loud. I was so hyper in the morning. But once the break ended, I went back to class and crashed on the table. Mel kept molesting my underarm to wake me up. I became immune to it. Hehe!

I cant wait for the next FIFA! That is if the world doesnt end in 2012...

"In 2013, I'm going to watch the movie 2012 and laugh..."

"I wanna put your smile on paper"


=)

Rivera

It was a beautiful morning. Rivera couldn't help but be amazed by the beauty that surrounded her. She had followed where her feet took her and here she was, alone in a garden she had never been to. She didn't know where she was but she couldn't care less. This place was nice. Very serene and peaceful. The weather wasn't as cruel as she thought it would be. The sun didn't shine too brightly and the wind blew so softly.

Rivera had her head tilted up to the skies the entire time. She watched the leaves of the trees fall as her dainty feet strolled quietly around the garden. She kept whispering to herself, "Wow, this is too pretty," and gently touched every blooming flower she laid her eyes on.

"You don't get out much, do you?" a low voice asked.

Rivera quickly snapped back to her senses and turned around. She blushed when she saw Liam, her school mate, who was standing under a tree and smiling at her response. Rivera shut her eyes and couldn't believe how lost she was in the beauty that she didn't notice Liam's presence.

"What's wrong, Rivera?" Liam approached her.

"Nothing's wrong. It's this place. I've never seen anything like it. It's so beautiful. I never thought nature was so beautiful."

Liam chuckled at her answer. "Rivera, you spend your daylight with books and I'm pretty sure you spend your nighttime the same way, too. It's no wonder you never notice these things," Liam told her.

Rivera opened her mouth. She wanted to argue with him but realised that she was better off. He was right, after all. She cringed and thought of better things to say. Liam smiled and walked towards the white wooden bench placed in the middle of the garden. He sat on it and Rivera followed him.

"Well, Liam. Haven't you heard? One must read to gain knowledge," Rivera tried her best to defend her ways.

"Reading isn't the only way to gain knowledge. One must also explore. And please explain to me one thing. How did we end up speaking like poets?" Liam jokingly asked.

They both laughed at the thought of the sentences they had formed in their little argument. Rivera had to admit the truth in Liam's words. One really must explore to gain knowledge and to widen it, too. She was eager to do that; to explore. The only thing that was in her way was her fear. She was afraid of trying new things, afraid of being out of her comfort zone, which was being among books. Liam, then, took her hand and helped her get rid of the fear. Little did she know, this was the day that changed her life forever.

All glory to God.
I was inspired to write after reading The Bible.
Must I really begin to tell you how hard it is for me to find inspiration? :)
This is very short, compared to my usual writings.
I was warned not to write too long.
The disappointment. Ah, but then again, this means a lot to me.

This week has been a really good one. Why?

1. We didnt study much in school. Okay, that sounded like a good thing in my head but now that I typed it out, it doesnt anymore. In some ways it is, but I'd rather get an overdose of education. Yes, that's the nerd talking. I should stop typing about this now. Moving on...

2. Spain won! (Germany match) Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I'm sorry, I just have to laugh about this. I only slept for three hours, went to school laughing about the match and then fell asleep after break time. I dont like the fact that my classmates dont talk football. Or at least, talk Spain-won-and-the-match-was-so-solid. But thank God for Mel and Jeff, though!

3. I finally got things right :) Well, only a few people know what this means. It's a little personal. Lets just say I used to bababa and get mad but now I bababa the right way and feel peace :D Right. I think I just confused some people. Hmm...

4. I drove for the first time this afternoon! Mum was so scared earlier. I was in school in the morning, she picked me up and brought me to the "new mall". (I dont know why she brought me there, I dont even like shopping but oh well!) When it had passed 1pm, she still wanted to stay around and asked if I wanted to go to the toy store but when I reminded her I should be driving at 2pm, we quickly got home. On the way, she told me so many things like "dont get distracted, listen to uncle, when you wanna change the gear make sure you press the clutch, dont blur blur. I'm so scared just imagining you drive!" Wow, the trust. Hahah! Well, the first time was fun! I wanted to drive more and I kept shouting in my head, "Let's drive some more some more!" and it's funny how my prayers are answered right away. Uncle let me drive on the main road although I wasnt supposed to because I dont even have my L-license yet. I drove myself home xD According to mummy, the distance I drove was far but it didnt feel like far to me. She said, "That's because you terbang!" Hahahahaha! My instructor kept telling me to slow down or else I would "terbang". Haha! Funny old man...

5. My mum is trying to talk football! I got back from youth gathering and mummy went out. A few minutes ago she texted me...

Mummy: Us spain won.
Me: Mummy, this is very funny because the final is tomorrow night but thank you for building the confidence of talking football. Really appreciate it. Hahahahaha!

...and exactly 13 minutes after that she replied, "Hahahaha, it must be the repeat then".

Haha! That just made my night! My mummy trying to talk football xD

Dear God, you are funny. I love you :D

"even prayers can save a person..."

smelly melly has jelly in her belly

I randomly posted this poem on Melinda's Facebook wall. Right after posting a poem on 3sa's. Yeah, I've been talking through poems. Sue me.

I've got nothing better to do
So, I've decided to spam your wall
Random poems I'll send you
Now get on your knees and crawl

Your best trait is your ability to obsess
You're so cheeky and clingy
How do I get out of this beautiful mess?

Maybe I should just stick around
Make you laugh until your eyeballs jump
But you're out of reach
so I slept as the teachers preach

Melinda Fiona, do come back, quick!

She is currently in Barrio. She left yesterday, I've been alone ever since.

Lifeless lips

Planets are all aligned
above us, we cant see
so far away, stars in the sky
oh, we are outnumbered

we take everything for granted
and our wishes are not fulfilled
we worry our lives away
and we get what we deserve

we ignore, we lie, we pretend

we are all innocent

up until the time we see
our regrets staring at us
guilt run through our veins

we cant stop this
for our lips have told too many lies
they cant be saved
they are dead

no more confessions to tell
and so our fate will be
just like that
of our lifeless lips

Glad you decided to act like a total stranger

remember how you used to make me feel invisible?
have a little taste of your own poison now
You're in the same room
You're next to me
But I stopped noticing
I dont see you anymore
Your ignorance doesnt get me mad
like I used to be
I feel nothing now
not the slightest bit of regret either

still standing here

My grandfather passed away on Sunday morning. The funeral was earlier today, in the afternoon. It was hard but we all said our goodbyes. I spent the entire day serving people yesterday and not looking into the coffin where my grandfather laid. I wasnt ready. I didnt wanna break down like I did before. Trust me, you dont want that happening. It will give you the shock of your life.

I went and looked at him right before we went home lastnight and also today to say goodbye, right before they closed the coffin. No emotional breakdown.

As said, I'll cry everything off and move on. The bad things that have happened or are happening or will happen, cannot force my hand to raise a white flag. God has my back.

I missed the bus ride to Batang Ai, which was this morning. Mum already informed Sarah (our youth leader). Mum said that dad would send us there tomorrow morning. It takes three hours, so I guess I'll meet all of you (who are probably wrapped up in your sleeping bags by now) at lunch time. Cant wait!

I shall go and pack now. As for you stalkers who come by to read this blog of mine, I'll smell you later. By later, I mean Friday ;)

"I figure, if you're extremely passionate about making music (or painting, or surfing, or acting..) then it's because you should be. There is so much real and lasting happiness locked up inside the passion for doing what you love, and even though we live in a society that cares more for the effectiveness of an individual than his/her happiness, I still hope and pray that I stay passionate enough to keep pursuing something worth more than just being "effective". This answer has already become way too deep and hippie, but the truth is that my "musical talent" wouldn't make any sense to me if it didn't result in creative expression that is liberating, and something that is worth more than financial profit; any passionate musician knows this."

Do you believe in hard work or pure talent? Both! I believe that talent is a great way to start the journey, but that hard work is the only way to finish it.

- Cobus Potgieter